Dave Barry
Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland
Dave Barry
A brilliantly funny exploration of the Sunshine State from the man who knows it best: Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times–bestselling author Dave Barry.
We never know what will happen next in Florida. We know only that, any minute now, something will. Every few months, Dave Barry gets a call from some media person wanting to know, “What the hell is wrong with Florida?” Somehow, the state’s acquired an image as a subtropical festival of stupid, and as a loyal Floridian, Dave begs to differ. Sure, there was the 2000 election. And people seem to take their pants off for no good reason. And it has flying insects the size of LeBron James. But it is a great state, and Dave is going to tell you why. Join him as he celebrates Florida from Key West at the bottom to whatever it is that’s at the top, from the Sunshine State’s earliest history to the fun-fair of weirdness and gunfire (“Our motto: ‘Come back! We weren’t firing at you!’”) that it is today.
It’s the most hilarious book yet from “the funniest damn writer in the whole country” (Carl Hiaasen, and he should know). By the end, you’ll have to admit that whatever else you might think about Florida—you can never say it’s boring.
Peter and the Starcatchers (Peter and the Starcatchers, #1)
Dave Barry
In an evocative and fast-paced adventure on the high seas and on a faraway island, an orphan boy named Peter and his mysterious new friend, Molly, overcome bands of pirates and thieves in their quest to keep a fantastical secret safe and save the world from evil. Best-selling authors Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson have turned back the clock to reveal the wonderful story that precedes J. M. Barrie’s beloved Peter Pan. Peter and the Starcatchers is brimming with richly developed characters, from the scary but somehow familiar Black Stache and ferocious Mister Grin to the sweet but sophisticated Molly and fearless Peter. Page after page of riveting adventures take readers of all ages on a voyage from a filthy, crime-ridden port in old England across the turbulent sea. Aboard the Neverland is a trunk that hold the “greatest treasure on earth” —but is it gold, jewels, or something far more mysterious and dangerous?
Roiling waves and raging storms; skullduggery and pirate treachery provide the backdrop for battles at sea. Bone-crushing breakers eventually land our characters on Mollusk Island—where the action really heats up.
This impossible-to-put-down tale leads readers on an unforgettable journey—fraught with danger yet filled with mystical and magical moments.
Insane City
Dave Barry
A dark comic masterpiece—the first solo adult novel in more than a decade from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times–bestselling author.
Seth Weinstein knew Tina was way out of his league in pretty much any way you could imagine, which is why it continued to astonish him that he was on the plane now for their destination wedding in Florida. The Groom Posse had already sprung an airport prank on him, and he’d survived it, and if that was the worst of it, everything should be okay. Smooth sailing from now on.
Seth has absolutely no idea what he’s about to get into. In the next several hours, he and his friends will become embroiled with rioters, Russian gangsters, angry strippers, a pimp as big as the Death Star, a very desperate Haitian refugee on the run with her two children from some very bad men, and an eleven-foot albino Burmese python named Blossom. And there’re still two days to go before the wedding.
As it turns out, it’s not smooth sailing, it’s more like a trip on the Titanic. And the water below him is getting deeper every minute. By the end, amid gunfire, high-speed chases, and mayhem of the most unimaginable sort, violent men will fall, heroes will rise, and many lives will change.
Seth’s, not least of all.
Big Trouble
Dave Barry
In the city of Coconut Grove, Florida, these things happen: A struggling adman named Eliot Arnold drives home from a meeting with the Client From Hell. His teenage son, Matt, fills a Squirtmaster 9000 for his turn at a high school game called Killer. Matt's intended victim, Jenny Herk, sits down in front of the TV with her mom for what she hopes will be a peaceful evening for once. Jenny's alcoholic and secretly embezzling stepfather, Arthur, emerges from the maid's room, angry at being rebuffed. Henry and Leonard, two hit men from New Jersey, pull up to the Herks' house for a real game of Killer, Arthur's embezzlement apparently not having been quite so secret to his employers after all. And a homeless man named Puggy settles down for the night in a treehouse just inside the Herks' yard.
In a few minutes, a chain of events that will change the lives of each and every one of them will begin, and will leave some of them wiser, some of them deader, and some of them definitely looking for a new line of work. With a wicked wit, razor-sharp observations, rich characters, and a plot with more twists than the Inland Waterway, Dave Barry makes his debut a complete and utter triumph.
Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry
Dave Barry
During the course of living (mumble, mumble) years, Dave Barry has learned much of wisdom,* (*actual wisdom not guaranteed) and he is eager to pass it on—to the next generation, the generation after that, and to those idiots who make driving to the grocery store in Florida a death-defying experience.
In brilliant, brand-new, never-before-published pieces, Dave passes on home truths to his new grandson and to his daughter Sophie, who will be getting her learner’s permit in 2015 (“So you’re about to start driving! How exciting! I’m going to kill myself”). He explores the hometown of his youth, where the grown-ups were supposed to be uptight fifties conformists, but seemed to have a lot of un- Mad Men- like fun, unlike Dave’s own Baby Boomer generation, which was supposed to be wild and crazy, but somehow turned into neurotic hover-parents. He dives into everything from the inanity of cable news and the benefits of Google Glass (“You will look like a douchebag”) to the loneliness of high school nerds (“You will never hear a high school girl say about a boy, in a dreamy voice, ‘He’s so sarcastic!’”), from the perils of home repair to firsthand accounts of the soccer craziness of Brazil and the just plain crazy craziness of Vladimir Putin’s Russia (“He stares at the camera with the expression of a man who relaxes by strangling small furry animals”), and a lot more besides.
By the end, if you do not feel wiser, richer in knowledge, more attuned to the universe . . . we wouldn’t be at all surprised. But you’ll have had a lot to laugh about!
Swamp Story
Dave Barry
Pulitzer Prize–winning and New York Times bestselling author—and actual Florida Man—Dave Barry returns with a “hilariously funny” (Steve Martin) caper full of oddballs and more twists and turns than a snake slithering away from a gator.
Jesse Braddock is trapped in a tiny cabin deep in the Everglades with her infant daughter and her ex-boyfriend, a wannabe reality TV star who turned out to be a lot prettier on the outside than on the inside. Broke and desperate for a way out, Jesse stumbles across a long-lost treasure, which could solve all her problems—if she can figure out how to keep it. The problem is some very bad men are also looking for the treasure, and they know Jesse has it.
Meanwhile, Ken Bortle of Bortle Brothers Bait and Beer has hatched a scheme to lure tourists to his failing store by making viral videos of the “Everglades Melon Monster.” The Monster is, in fact, an unemployed alcoholic newspaperman named Phil wearing a Dora the Explorer costume head. Incredibly, this plan actually works, inspiring a horde of TikTokers to swarm into the swamp in search of the Monster at the same time villains are on the hunt for Jesse’s treasure. Amid this mayhem, a presidential hopeful arrives in the Everglades to start his campaign. Needless to say, it does not go as planned. In fact, nothing in this story goes as planned. This is, after all, Florida.
Peter and the Sword of Mercy (Peter and the Starcatchers, #4)
Dave Barry
The year is 1902 - it's been twenty-three years since Peter and the Lost Boys returned from Rundoon. Since then, nobody on the island has grown a day older, and the Lost Boys continue their friendship with the Mollusk tribe, and their rivalry with Captain Hook. Meanwhile in London, Molly has married George Darling and is raising three children: Wendy, Michael, and John. One night a visitor appears at her door; it's James, one of Peter's original Lost Boys. He is now working for Scotland Yard and suspects that the heir to England's throne, Prince Albert Edward, is under the influence of shadow creatures. These shadow creatures are determined to find a secret cache of startstuff which fell to London many centuries ago. The starstuff is hidden in an underground vault which has only one key: the Sword of Mercy, a legendary weapon kept with the crown jewels. Molly is determined to locate and protect the starstuff, but when she suddenly goes missing, it is up to her eleven-year-old daughter, Wendy, to keep it out of the Others' clutches. Wendy has heard her mother's stories of a flying boy named Peter Pan, and he may be her only hope in saving the world from a shadowy doom....
Lunatics
Dave Barry
Philip Horkman is a happy man, the owner of a pet store called The Wine Shop, and on Sundays a referee for a local kids’ soccer league. Jeffrey Peckerman is the proud and loving father of a star athlete in the girls’ ten-and-under soccer league, and he’s not exactly happy with the ref.
The two of them are about to collide in a swiftly escalating series of events that will send them running for their lives, pursued by the police, soldiers, subversives, bears, revolutionaries, pirates, and a black ops team that does not exist. Where all that takes them you can’t even begin to guess, but the literary journey there is a masterpiece of inspiration, chaos, and unadulterated, well, lunacy. And they might even learn a lesson or two along the way.
The Bridge to Never Land (Peter and the Starcatchers, #5)
Dave Barry
Aidan and Sarah Cooper have no idea what they're getting into one afternoon when they discover a mysterious coded document in a secret compartment of an antique English desk their father recently bought at an auction. Something about the document seems familiar to Sarah, and that night she realizes what it is: the document seems to be referring to some books she has read-the Starcatchers series, about the origin of Peter Pan. But how could that be? The document seems far older than the books. And of course, the books are just stories. Curious, Sarah and Aidan begin to decipher the mysterious document. At first it's a game-unraveling the mystery piece by piece, each piece leading them to a new, deeper puzzle. But soon the game turns strange-and scary. Pursued by a being that can take any form and will stop at nothing to get what it wants from them, Aidan and Sarah embark on a desperate, thrilling quest for help-a quest that leads them to some unforgettable people in some unlikely places, including one that's not supposed to exist at all. A contemporary follow-up to the Starcatchers series.
Peter and the Secret of Rundoon (Peter and the Starcatchers, #3)
Dave Barry
In this action-packed conclusion to the Starcatchers trilogy, Peter and Molly find themselves in the dangerous land of Rundoon, ruled by the evil King Zarboff, who takes great delight in watching his pet snake, Kundalini, consume anyone who displeases him. But that's just the start of the trouble facing our heroes, who once again find themselves pitted against the evil shadow creature Lord Ombra, in a struggle to save themselves and Molly's father - not to mention the entire planet - from an unthinkable end. Meanwhile, back in Never Land, a tribal war is under way, and while Peter is off fighting to save the world, a young Mollusk princess has no choice but to join forced with sinister pirates to save her island from the vicious Scorpions.
Peter and the Secret of Rundoon is a wild desert adventure - with flying camels, magic carpets, and evil shadows - that literally zooms toward an unforgettable and unimaginable climax. Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson have teamed together once again to pen a story with unrelenting action and adventure that can be enjoyed by readers of all ages.
Peter and the Shadow Thieves (Peter and the Starcatchers, #2)
Dave Barry
In this riveting and adventure-packed follow-up to the award-winning New York Times bestseller Peter and the Starcatchers, Peter leaves the relative safety of Mollusk Island - along with his trusted companion, Tinker Bell - for the dark and dangerous streets of London. On a difficult journey across the sea, he and Tink discover the mysterious and deadly Lord Ombra, who is intent on recovering the missing starstuff - celestial dust that contains unimagined powers. In London, Peter attempts to track down the indomitable Molly, hoping that together they can combat Ombra's determined forces. But London is not Mollusk Island; Peter is not the boy he used to be; and Lord Ombra - the Shadow Master - is unlike anything Peter, or the world, has ever seen.
Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson have done it again - written a compulsively readable, magical, impossible-to-put-down tale that will delight readers of all ages.
Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
Dave Barry
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, bestselling author, and Wheel of Fortune contestant Dave Barry exposes the shattering truth. Whether he's splashing with the U.S. sychronized swim team ("Picture a bunch of elegant swans swimming with a flailing sea cow") or reliving the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving ("We've decided to obliterate your culture, but first may we try the stuffing?"), Dave Barry proves that one man can make a difference--by having the guts to answer the questions few people bother to
¸ What makes people want to eat animals they would never consider petting?
¸ Where do the World's Three Most Boring People meet?
¸ Why is Colorado freezing so many human gonads?
¸ And just how does Oprah have the power to turn a 1957 Hotpoint toaster manual into a #1 bestseller?
You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About
Dave Barry
A brilliantly funny exploration of the twin mysteries of parenthood and families from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times –bestselling author of Insane City .
In his New York Times – bestselling I’ll Mature When I’m Dead , Dave Barry embarked on the treacherous seas of adulthood, to hilarious results. What comes next? Parenthood, of course, and families.
In uproarious, brand-new pieces, Barry tackles everything from family trips, bat mitzvah parties and dating (he’s serious about that “When my daughter can legally commence dating—February 24, 2040—I intend to monitor her closely, even if I am deceased”) to funeral instructions (“I would like my eulogy to be given by William Shatner”), the differences between male and female friendships, the deeper meaning of Fifty Shades of Grey , and a father’s ultimate accompanying his daughter to a Justin Bieber concert (“It turns out that the noise teenaged girls make to express happiness is the same noise they would make if their feet were being gnawed off by badgers”).
Let’s face families not only enrich our lives every day, they drive us completely around the bend. Thank goodness we have Dave Barry as our guide!
Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
Dave Barry
A brilliantly funny exploration of the tumultuous years 2000-2006 from the Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist.
The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog
Dave Barry
In this hilarious (USA Today) national bestseller, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist Dave Barry pens one of the warmest, most delightful Christmas stories ever.
The year is 1960, and the Christmas pageant at St. John's Episcopal Church is a very big deal. Doug Barnes is a shepherd this year, which is better than being a Three King, because you get to carry a stick. There are problems, however. The girl he likes is playing Mary opposite a Joseph who is depressingly smart, athletic, and cute; the family dog is doing poorly, and they have no idea what they're going to tell Doug's little sister, Becky; and his dad's just gotten a flat tire, which means they might not even get to the pageant. But Christmas is a time of miracles. And for Doug and his family, this will be the most miraculous Christmas of all.
Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up
Dave Barry
You can't make this stuff up! Dave Barry would never lie--and here are the real life, laugh-out-loud stories from across America to prove a U.S. Supreme Court justice shares his remedy for preventing gas ("I had not realized that this was a matter of concern in the highest levels of government"); a newspaper headline in Ohio announces the combustibility of strawberry Pop-Tarts ("A story that can really help you gain a better understanding of how you can be killed by breakfast snack food"); the frightening fact that snakes have mastered the pipelines leading directly to your toilet--and they're not shy ("Many women might view this as a fair punishment for all the billions of times that guys have left the seat up").
So get up-close with Dave as he swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth . . . so God help you!
Dave Barry's Greatest Hits
Dave Barry
When Dave Barry is on the loose, no one is safe!
What Dave Barry did for the men’s movement in his Complete Guide to Guys and for foreign relations when he did Japan he now does for . . . everything in America. The rapacious observer of Tupperware ladies and leisure concept salesmen sounds off on:
Football—Football is more than just a game. It is a potential opportunity to see a live person lying on the ground with a bone sticking out of his leg, while the fans, to show their appreciation, perform “the wave.”
Sailing—There’s nothing quite like getting out on the open sea, where you can forget about the hassles and worries of life on land, and concentrate on the hassles and worries of life on the sea, such as death by squid.
Gambling—Off-Track Betting parlors are the kinds of places where you never see signs that say, “Thank You for Not Smoking.” The best you can hope for is, “Thank You for Not Spitting Pieces of Your Cigar on My Neck.”
“The good news: he’s funny as ever. The bad news: the book is only 304 pages.”—Los Angeles Daily News
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barry
Yet another collection of wit and wisdom by Pulitzer Prize–winning humorist and author Dave Barry . This collection of essays explores a range of topics including traffic cops, dentists, and Congress.
"Want to impress your friends? Tell them you read the latest work by the 1988 Pulitzer Prize-winner for commentary. Just don't tell them it's full of booger jokes".--Orange County Register
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down
Dave Barry
Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist Dave Barry is a pretty amiable guy. But lately, he’s been getting a little worked up. What could make a mild-mannered man of words so hot under the collar? Well, a lot of things–like bad public art, Internet millionaires, SUVs, Regis Philbin . . . and even bigger problems, like• The slower-than-deceased-livestock left-lane drivers who apparently believe that the right lane is sacred and must never come in direct contact with tires• The parent-misery quotient of last-minute school science fair projects• Day trading and other careers that never require you to take off your bathrobe• The plague of the low-flow toilets, which is so bad that even in Miami, where you can buy drugs just by opening your front door and yelling “Hey! I want some crack,” you can’t even sell your first born to get a normal-flushing toiletDave Barry is not taking any of this sitting down. He’s going to stand up for the rights of all Americans against ridiculously named specialty “–chino” coffees and the IRS. Just as soon as he gets the darn toilet flushed.From the Trade Paperback edition.
Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
Dave Barry
Just in time, Dave Barry supplies the wholly original, much needed history and guide to the new American politics and its three capitals, Washington, D.C., Austin, and South Florida. No it's hilarious.
Understanding the urgent need for a deeply thoughtful balanced book to explain our national political process, Dave Barry has not even come close. Though he himself has covered many campaigns, run for President several times, and run for cover at the rainy inauguration of George W. Bush (the man will spare nothing for his art) Barry has instead outdone himself.
Below the Beltway includes Barry's stirring account of how the United States was born, including his version of a properly rewritten Declaration ( When in the course of human events it behooves us, the people, not to ask "What can our country do for us, anyway?" but rather whether we have anything to fear except fear itself...) and a revised Constitution ( Section The House of Representatives shall be composed of people who own at least two dark suits and have not been indicted recently.) .
Dave also cracks the income tax code, explains the growth(s) of government, congressional hearing difficulties, and the persistent rumors of the influence of capital in the Capitol. Among other civic contributions, his tour of Washington, D.C., should end school class trips forever.
From the Hardcover edition.
Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!
Dave Barry
The New York Times calls him “the funniest man in America,” and his legions of fans agree, laughing and snorting as they put his books on bestseller lists nationwide.
In Boogers Are My Beat , Dave gives us the real scoop
• The scientific search for the world’s funniest joke (you can bet it includes the word “weasel”)
• RV camping in the Wal-Mart parking lot
• Outwitting “smart” kitchen appliances and service contracts
• Elections in Florida (“You can’t spell Florida without ‘duh’”)
• The Olympics, where people from all over the world come together to accuse each other of cheating
• The truth about the Dakotas, the Lone Ranger, and feng shui
• The choice between death and taxes
And much, much more—including some truths about journalism and serious thoughts about 9/11.
Dave Barry won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988, and his columns are syndicated in more than 500 newspapers. His most recent books, Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down and the novels Big Trouble and Tricky Business , were national bestsellers. He lives in Miami, Floriduh.
Also available as an eBook
Dave Barry Turns Forty
Dave Barry
"Just the ticket for the '90s."
SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
If you're too young for a nursing home yet too old to be a rock star, if your marriage is as exciting as scraping grass off the lawnmower blades, then this hilarious book by Pulitzer-Prize-winning columnist and author is for you. Put on your protective eyewear and take a probing look inside your increasingly Spam-like body at: The Midlife (Yawn) Marriage; Wise Financial Planning for Irresponsible Scum Such as Yourself; Sex After 40 (or, Sex? After 40?), and other harsh, but amusing realities that leave you laughing, crying and drooling.
Dave Barry Turns 50
Dave Barry
From the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist comes a celebration of the aging process. Not just Dave's, but that of the whole Baby Boom Generation--those millions of us who set a standard for whining self-absorption that will never be equaled, and who gave birth to such stunning accomplishments as Saturday Night Live!, the New Age movement, and call waiting. Here Dave pinpoints the glaring signs that you've passed the half-century
- You are suddenly unable to read anything written in letters smaller than Marlon Brando.
- You have accepted the fact that you can't possibly be hip. You don't even know if "hip" is the right word for hip anymore, and you don't care.
- You remember nuclear-attack drills at school wherein you practiced protecting yourself by crouching under your desk, which was apparently made out of some kind of atomic-bomb-proof wood.
- You can't name the secretary of defense, but you can still sing the Mister Clean song.
So pop open a can of Geritol®, kick back in that recliner, grab those reading glasses, and let the good times roll--before they roll right over you!
Dave Barry's Bad Habits: A 100% Fact-Free Book
Dave Barry
A collection of commentaries on the little insanities of everyday life and essays offering advice cover such topics as household perils, the government and taxation, culture, health habits, finance, and traveling
The Taming of the Screw
Dave Barry
Barry concentrates on the popular topic of home repair.
Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need
Dave Barry
TAKE YOUR TRAVEL TIPS FROM DAVE BARRY,A GUY WHO IS REALLY GONE!Complete with maps, histories, quaint local facts (France's National Underwear Changing Day is March 12), song lyrics, helpful hints on how to get through Customs (all insects must be spayed), and tidbits from Dave Barry's own fond vacation nightmares, DAVE BARRY'S ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER NEED is just that. You'll find everything you need to know in this incredibly comprehensive reference, Air Travel ( Why Birds Never Look Truly Relaxed)- Traveling as a Family ( No, We Are NOT There Yet)- Traveling in Europe ("Excuse me! Where is the Big Mona Lisa?")- Nature's Way of Promoting the Motel Industry
Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States
Dave Barry
"Bary turns his formidable wit to the subject of American history, with a result reminiscent of the Reduced Shakespeare The better you know the original, the funnier it gets."
LOS ANGELES TIMES
This time Dave Barry's subject is history, the way it's never been told before. Every single momentous event and crucial moment is covered, including...The Birthing Contractions of a Nation; Kicking Some British Butt; The Peace, Prosperity, Brain Death, right up through the scintillating Reagan-Bush years. If you love to laugh, and you love your country, this is the book you've been waiting for since 1776. Or at least since Super Bowl III.
Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Dave Barry
No book can guarantee you a long and happy relationship, even if the author didn't know about your secret hygiene problem. But the cover of a book is no place to discuss that. In Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex , one of America's most beloved writers turns his keen, if somewhat rheumy, eye to the institution of marriage.
Dating. "These are nonstereotypical times we live in, by which I mean that it is the responsibility of the woman to think up excuses that get progressively more obvious until the man figures out that the woman would rather chew on a rat pancreas."
Sex. "I'm afraid that we must talk here about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding, and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys."
Marriage. "Most squabbles start with money. For example, you want to buy food, while your spouse wants to buy a thoroughbred racehorse. It's important, in these situations, for both of you to be willing to sit down and try to achieve a workable compromise. In this case, you could buy a thoroughbred racehorse and eat it."
Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead
Dave Barry
In Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead, Dave Barry says that fitness and vitality can be yours-- provided you have the discipline, drive, and the plain old-fashioned guts required to procure the necessary steroids. This manual may help, too, but you'll just have to buy it and find out.
Barry on executive fitnessToday's top executives eat teeny meals and run 10 miles and play tennis and work out every day. Of course, they're so busy getting fit that many don't even know where their offices are. That's why the entire U.S. economy is now manufactured overseas.
Barry on fitness after deathA quick chill, to approximately 325 degrees below zero, yields a muscle tone that we normally associate only with world-class body builders and certain minerals!
Barry on nutritionEvery morning you should take a vitamin A pill, followed by a vitamin D, followed by an E, until you've spelled the healthful mnemonic phrase: "A DEAD CAD BAKED A BAD CAKE, ACE." And eat all the fiber-rich foods you can shove down your throat; these would be mainly your cotton candy and your Slim Jims.
Barry on junk foodsWhite bread and refined sugar, if eaten, cause death within hours. So it's important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting.
Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week
Dave Barry
Working up the corporate ladder is all well and good for most people, but you are not "most people." You are a highly motivated individual who wants to be on the fast track, and you cannot afford to fritter away valuable time working diligently and competently on the job. You need Dave Barry's surefire tips in Claw Your Way to the Top !
* "A good resume is more than just a piece of paper. It can mean the difference between not getting a job and not even coming close."
* "Can you get a job in business? Heck yes! Don't you listen to those Negative Nellies who tell you there aren't any good jobs anymore, just because the steel, automobile, shoe, clothing, railroad, and agricultural industries have all collapsed!"
* "I don't mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie."
* "Remember, your subordinates are not machines. They are human beings with the same dreams as you. OK, maybe not all the same dreams. Probably they don't have the one where you're naked in a vat of Yoo-Hoo with the Soviet gymnastics team."
* "Ask any business school professor, and he'll tell you a good memo is clear, concise, and well-organized. Now ask him what his annual salary is. It's probably less than most top executives spend in a month on shoe maintenance."
Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barry
"Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him."
--The New York Times Book Review
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET
At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered
What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?
Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six.
Can you recommend a good mortgage?
There are several Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead.
How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?
Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too.
Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?
Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
Dave Barry
In this classic crack-up of a book, Dave Barry gives his wacky perspective on sex, childbirth, parenting and other forms of slow, cruel torture.In Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, Dave exposes natural childbirth for what it is: a pop phenomenon of the 1960s that, along with paisley bell-bottoms and creative sideburns, deserves a rest. He examines the new federal law requiring prospective fathers to free themselves from their self-made macho prisons--to laugh, cry, love and just generally behave like certified wimps.Dave also reveals, for the first time in print, the secret chant for painless childbirth.Then learn why no secret chant could possibly take a woman's mind off the fact that she is in such pain that she wants a gigantic comet to crash into the earth and kill her and her husband and the dotor and the nurses and everyone else in the world.
Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry
For thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is: virtually nothing. But that has not stopped Dave Barry from writing an entire book about them, dealing frankly and semi-thoroughly with such important guy issues as:- Scratching- Why the average guy can remember who won the 1960 World Series but necessarily the names of all his children- Why guys cannot simultaneously think and look at breasts- Secret guy orgasm-delaying techniques, including the Margaret Thatcher Method- Why guys prefer to believe that there is no such thing as a "prostate"
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barry
"RELENTLESSLY FUNNY . . . BARRY SHINES."
--People
A self-professed computer geek who actually does Windows 95, bestselling humorist Dave Barry takes us on a hilarious hard drive via the information superhighway--and into the very heart of cyberspace, asking the provocative If God had wanted us to be concise, why give us so many fonts?
Inside you'll find juicy bytes on
How to Buy and Set Up a Computer; Step Get Valium
Nerdstock in the Desert; Bill Gates Is Elvis
Making Your Computer Come Alive So It Can Attack You
Word How to Press an Enormous Number of Keys Without Ever Actually Writing Anything
Selected Web Sites, including Cursing in Swedish, Deformed Frog Pictures, and The Toilets of Melbourne, Australia
And much, much more!
"VERY FUNNY . . . After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of the book as a kind of screen saver for your brain."
--New York Times Book Review
"The Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Is Beer" And Other Manly Insights From Dave Barry
Dave Barry
In "The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer" and Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry Dave goes on a testosterone riff, enlightening all about the intricacies of being male. "At higher levels, testosterone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds 1. War. 2. Do-it-yourself projects."
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