Emily Nagoski

An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never exist—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can prove it.

This groundbreaking book explains why women experience burnout differently than men—and provides a simple, science-based plan to help women minimize stress, manage emotions, and live a more joyful life. Burnout. Many women in America have experienced it. What’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women exhaust themselves trying to close the gap between them. How can you “love your body” when every magazine cover has ten diet tips for becoming “your best self”? How do you “lean in” at work when you’re already operating at 110 percent and aren’t recognized for it? How can you live happily and healthily in a sexist world that is constantly telling you you’re too fat, too needy, too noisy, and too selfish? Sisters Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, are here to help end the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Instead of asking us to ignore the very real obstacles and societal pressures that stand between women and well-being, they explain with compassion and optimism what we’re up against—and show us how to fight back. In these pages you’ll learn • what you can do to complete the biological stress cycle—and return your body to a state of relaxation • how to manage the “monitor” in your brain that regulates the emotion of frustration • how the Bikini Industrial Complex makes it difficult for women to love their bodies—and how to defend yourself against it • why rest, human connection, and befriending your inner critic are keys to recovering and preventing burnout With the help of eye-opening science, prescriptive advice, and helpful worksheets and exercises, all women will find something transformative in these pages—and will be empowered to create positive change. Emily and Amelia aren’t here to preach the broad platitudes of expensive self-care or insist that we strive for the impossible goal of “having it all.” Instead, they tell us that we are enough, just as we are—and that wellness, true wellness, is within our reach.

An illuminating exploration of how to maintain a happy sex life in a long-term relationship, from the New York Times bestselling author of Come as You Are and co-author of Burnout. In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, PhD, provided science-backed lessons that revolutionized the way we think about women’s sexuality. Now, in Come Together, Nagoski takes on a fundamentally misunderstood subject: sex in long-term relationships. Nagoski breaks down the myths many of us have been taught about sex—for instance, the belief that sexual satisfaction and desire are highest at the beginning of a relationship and that they will inevitably decline the longer that relationship lasts. Nagoski assures us that’s not true. So, what is true? Come Together isn’t about how much we want sex, or how often we’re having it; it’s about whether we like the sex we’re having. Nagoski breaks down the obstacles that impede us from enjoying sex—from stress and body image, to relationship difficulties and gendered beliefs about how sex “should” be—and presents the best ways to overcome them. You'll learn: • that “spontaneous desire” is not the kind of desire to strive for if you want to have great sex for decades • vocabulary for talking with partners about ways to get in “the mood” and how to not take it personally when “the mood” is nowhere to be found • how to understand your own and your partner’s “emotional floorplan,” so that you have a blueprint for how to get to a sexy state of mind With her signature insight, humor, and empathy, Nagoski shows us what great sex can look like, how to create it in our own lives, and what to do when struggles arise.

A life partnership is a learning experience. We are constantly learning the ways we were wrong, and the ways we can be better, kinder, more patient, more empathetic, more respectful and more appreciative. Indeed, such a partnership is perhaps the most educational and most humbling experience most of us will have in our lives. The goal of this guide is to provide a practical summary of the science of romantic relationships. In addition to the evolutionary origins of the emotions that make relationships at once so challenging and so nourishing, it presents the skills and patterns that predict positive outcomes in relationships. Most importantly, the guide discusses how to implement this information, which can only be effectively applied in the context of the appropriate attitude. That attitude is, "I'm never perfect, never done growing, and neither is my partner. But I'm always growing, and so is my partner, so we're exactly where we need to be."

En el siglo XX se creía que la sexualidad femenina era como la de los hombres, pero «descafeinada», es decir, básicamente igual a la de ellos… pero no tan buena. Nadie entendía esos «asuntos de mujeres» tan complicados como son la respuesta genital, el deseo sexual o el orgasmo. Sin embargo, todo cambió cuando Emily Nagoski escribió Tal como eres. Basándose en las experiencias de miles de mujeres y en las investigaciones científicas más punteras, la autora revela las claves para potenciar el bienestar sexual femenino, que se basan en tres cuestiones esenciales: PISAR EL ACELERADOR O SOLTAR LOS FRENOS: La inmensa mayoría de las mujeres nos esforzamos por pisar el acelerador (la excitación), sin darnos cuenta de que primero tenemos que soltar los frenos (los mecanismos de inhibición) para ponernos en marcha. CONTROLAR EL CONTEXTO: Así como las cosquillas son divertidas en un contexto positivo e irritantes en uno negativo, casi cualquier sensación —y muy en especial la respuesta sexual— requiere de un contexto positivo para resultar agradable. RECONOCER QUE EL DESEO LLEGA EN RESPUESTA AL PLACER: Todas esperamos que el deseo sexual sea espontáneo, es decir, que surja anticipando el placer; sin embargo, lo más habitual es que brote en respuesta a él. La Dra. Nagoski explica que lo que convierte la vida sexual en algo seguro y divertido no es lo que hacemos en la cama ni la forma o disposición de las partes anatómicas de nuestro cuerpo, sino cómo nos sentimos nosotras al respecto. Lejos de resultar factores periféricos, el estrés, el estado de ánimo, la confianza y la imagen corporal son piezas fundamentales de nuestro bienestar sexual, por lo que no debemos juzgarnos ni compararnos con nadie, sino abrazar nuestras propias respuestas sexuales en cada momento y honrarlas como las experiencias únicas que en realidad son. «Una clase magistral sobre la ciencia del sexo». IAN KERNER, terapeuta sexual y autor de Ellas llegan primero