Hi everyone ❤︎⁠ sorry, this is going to be a bit long. I'm not sure how many will see this or will relate to it, but I've been in a major reading slump for approximately a year and a half. My quests are pretty much untouched, and my energy levels are low, so reading complex texts is effortful to the point of giving up or feeling a little stupid whilst reading. I've been going through many life changes all at once, from sleeping on someone's floor to getting proper ADHD meds to staying afloat financially day in and day out, parents divorcing, dealing with immigration and tax issues, relationship tensions, losing some friendships, staying on top of my Palestine activism, trying to maintain some semblance of a career as an actor... and that was just the first few months. So as a way to avoid pain and discomfort, as a way to keep on running and dealing, as opposed to pausing and processing, I turned to intensive use of social media, and scrolling got me in its clutches. I didn't just separate from reading stories; I divorced my brain. I'm living with a big, massive question mark over my head; did I notice too late? Am I going to get back to reading? Will I have the same level of understanding as I did before, and will I have an interest in the same stories?

All these are pretty hard questions to contemplate, and sometimes, it makes me cry. I've never been one for academic intelligence, but my critical thinking and my emotional intelligence when reading were always at their peak, hence the acting, I suppose. Where have they gone now, and how do I bring them back? Skill regression do be real. I have taken the first cruel steps; deleted all socials apart from Pagebound and have also gotten rid of stuff like Youtube, Netflix and Disney + from my phone as I noticed I was reaching and obsessing over my bingeable and well-loved shows, aka, my brain was seeking a new pacifier and yes, though more engaged when watching my favourite shows, very soon, the split from active listening and wathcing takes place and I topple into numbness. As far as addictions go, I do understand it's nowhere near drugs or alcohol, but it manifests in pretty darn cruel ways nonetheless. I've been really irritable, very distanced, snappy, achy; I reach for my phone about 50 times a day, hoping to find something in there to keep me engaged and soothed. I am on day 5.

It's really hard finding that balance in the early stages, I guess, especially because I kinda need stuff like Instagram for my acting. I still have accounts and things, but I only access them once or twice a week from desktop, and I don't linger. It's just to check messages and job opportunities. Removing them from my phone was key in all this. I'm really sad and scared I'll miss out on casting opportunities and announcements, but at the same time I dread losing my mind in there again.

I've been slowly trying to read Time Machine by H.G. Wells. There was a time when a text like that would have been so easy for me to read; I'd be finished in 2 days or less whilst also having absorbed the core of the story, the characters, the major themes and the messaging. I would basically be able to write a mini essay about it or enter an impromptu conversation about the appendix notes and the story's overall cultural significance. Now, all I can do is read a few paragraphs at a time before my brain starts messing up, heating up, shutting down, malfunctioning sparks of electricity flying around, and steam coming out of my ears.

I have to start Gilgamesh pretty soon as I'm producing a play based on it, so I need to be exceptionally familiar with the text. I'm so scared I'm going to be crap. On top of everything, I now have a deadline on getting my brain back. So this is my Hail Mary; if anyone has gone through something similar before, please reach out and leave a wee comment. Tips, book suggestions (children's books included; the situation is literally dire), comfort foods, detox brews, meditation practices to combat the redownload itch- I welcome all ❤︎⁠ thanks ❤︎⁠