I feel like my perspective on Mrs. S hugely shifted in the second half of the book.

For the first half I was really feeling pretty negatively about her honestly, I was getting massive misgivings about how she kept giving the matron her husband's clothes, his pocket knife, taking her to their spot in their car. So many comments made about how he wouldn't notice and how much she envied the teenage girls, it really felt like she was kind of in her midlife crisis era of wanting to feel fresh and bold and different and rebell and do something to force her husband to pay attention. And I didn't want the matron swept up and used by her in that. It just felt like Mrs. S was taking advantage of someone in a really vulnerable position.

But in the second half I think we got so many more moments of Mrs. S that showed her interest in the matron to actually be genuine and a true effort to explore and understand herself and her own sexuality. I think there are probably a lot of queer folks relating to that stuttering and often flawed self discovery, certainly I do. A few moments from this second half that I particularly liked:

At 72%, when the matron gives Mrs. S the broken stained glass and she worries about the vicars reaction but is torn and still wants to keep the gift. "I think she is also frightened. And yet. [...] Oh, here she is, caught between her worlds." Thought this was really interesting, with her torn worlds being accepting this show of love from a woman or denying what she is drawn to for the sake of the men in her life and what they may think, how it may impact them. I just love this depiction of how much friction there is when you even consider decentering men from your life. It feels like such a threat and that's real.

At 83%, when she tries to understand the matron wearing a binder. "Her empathy is working overtime, she prides herself on an instinct for those that struggle. [...] But she doesn't understand. And yet understanding is everything to her, she cannot see the ego in it, her need to grasp it all, rather than accept what she does not know." Honestly this part I just deeply related to and prompted a lot of self reflection for me. Even within the queer space there is so much diversity, and we all have to learn to be allies to one another and love our loved ones in a way that meets their needs, not our own. It does really feel to me like the most intimacy is found in complete understanding (which I realize isn't even attainable), so I gave this line a lot of thought that if understanding comes at the cost of someone else's comfort, that's really quite a selfish thing. I've always believed that a lack of understanding doesn't preclude me from accepting and embracing others, but I hadn't really considered that seeking better understanding could actually be harmful and make others feel more burdened rather than better seen.

At 87%, asking the matron when she knew she was a lesbian. "I sense that she is not asking to get to know me, but to understand herself, to use my history to search for some crucial indicator in hers." This is real, and I also think it's one of the more beautiful parts of queer community and storytelling. Yes, I was just saying right above this that I see that seeking understanding from others can be burdensome and selfish, but offering each other our stories and helping folks find themselves through them is such a kindness. Representation is important. Combating heteronormativity is important. Being able to offer someone a piece of your own story that makes theirs feel more normal is important. So in this part I'm just really feeling for Mrs. S and how she genuinely is trying to find and understand herself, in a way she didn't get to even while having wlw experiences younger.

Did y'all's impression of Mrs. S also shift a lot during the book? Did any of these parts really speak to you too, or any others?