It’s getting exciting but at the same time heartbreaking and I’m not happy with what’s going on so far

READ THIS MOTHER FUCKING BOOOOOOK!!!!!!

i'm already really impressed with McCurdy's writing and how intentional it is. you instantly get a feel for Waldo as a character and how her mind works. the way she describes sex as almost methodical and dissociative, how she sees her body and the body of Randy as objects performing acts devoid of any emotion or meaning

"Shaving it or scraping it or strapping it in or exfoliating it or lathering it or shoving a coarse cotton plug into it. Always doing something to stop my body from doing what it wants to do. Oozing or bursting or bleeding, making too much hair in the wrong places, and not enough in the right ones."

and the usage of this almost grotesque imagery, like she sees her body as something gross. you can tell immediately that she is completely detached from her body and its functions, and the way she describes it is almost like she wishes she could forget her body entirely. like her body doesn't feel pleasure, or pain, but it just produces problems to be managed. which then reflects how she views sex; sex is almost bureaucratic, a task she has to check off her list

"Randy pumps into me with a staccato pump pump pump, the same as they all do [...] It feels clunky and perfunctory, clumsy and performative. A blatant reminder of the misshapen puzzle pieces that are our private parts."

then the little glimpses of her relationship with her mother which point to her self-worth. ahhh. sex is an obligation, a chore, but it's also her way of feeling worthy, her way of trying to feel loved. having such short chapters means that every word has to matter, and i think McCurdy really succeeds at showing that - every section of this chapter builds upon the last to paint such a vivid picture of Waldo's inner world

ok ok one more quote because i really loved this opening chapter, the bar was instantly set "It's unsettling how often agreement doubles as giving up."