My Selling Pitch:
If Ali Hazelwood wrote Tiffany Reisz’s Original Sinners and let Sally Rooney write the pillow talk. Porn for Capricorns.

Pre-reading: The cover gives Fifty Shades in the WORST way but where Ali Hazelwood points, I go.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Are we sure Ali Hazelwood didn’t write this because it’s the same writing tone in the best way?

And unfortunately, every burnt out eldest daughter felt that, and that’s why we’re all kinky now.

I fear that is my exact type.

Oh baby, I can clock a Capricorn man on nothing. That natal chart said narcissist, pervert, and impulsive, and I love to see it. I would eat him alive. I’m also a Capricorn Scorpio. I just got Virgo to finish me off to make me even more of a control freak. Also, he’s a biter. All Scorpios are biters. This is science.

Hey, so I fear this is the exact fantasy. Like the exact fantasy. Like need this biblically.

I mean, skip the choking, but everything else…90% on board.

Unfortunately, I am a pretentious bitch, and I do want old libraries and heavy cufflinks.

Hey, so if you like Ali Hazelwood and Tiffany Reisz’s Original Sinners, you’re gonna love this. This is catnip.

I don’t know anything about money, and I don’t care to. (You know this book almost convinced me to pick up a Financial Times. She almost got me.)

I had to read The Fountainhead, and I did not like.

The writing is a little quirky where it just lists off imagery, but I don’t mind it. It kind of gives that blurred, cinematic montage effect.

Hey, so I fear cutting his name off like that just reads as Alexa, like the robot, and it did fully just take me out of this.

Do I love that he’s going down on her without her consent ahead of time? No! But also being woken up with sex is such a common fantasy, like shit is hot. We’re in a gray area.

I need this man biblically. We’re 7% in. That’s obscene. I don’t think I’ve latched onto a man as fast as this since Run, Run Rabbit, and we all know how I feel about that book.

Hey, so I need this man biblically. Every time I’m like oh yeah, it’s okay. I can be chill about this. I can be normal. No no, I fear she’s reached directly into my head and plucked him out.

I don’t know how to tell you I’m only 7% in, and this isn’t going to be a book I’m able to be normal about. (To be fair, I feel like all the books I’m not normal about, I know right away.)

Like we can cut it here. I will be five starring this. It’s going to be embarrassing how effusive my praise of this is going to be.

When I say these men are a threat to my own feminism, I do mean that because there’s certain phrases in this that are raising my hackles, and I’m STILL like haha, no, I NEED him. Like I don’t like to see a description likening her to a child during a shower sex scene. That’s icky. But the furious nodding sensation? Oh girl, we been there.

Why didn’t they give this book dual narration? This is criminal. (I tapped out on the audiobook and just read it with my eyeballs.)

This is the second book I’ve read this year where emotionally shunted girl cries during sex for catharsis, and you know, I’ve found my people.

Also, on this episode of Samantha, you can’t highlight the whole goddamn book-

I feel like announcing fuck me till I cry on main is a little much, but you know, I didn’t come here to lie to you!

Reading is political. She really said here’s your smut, you filthy animals. Now I’m gonna learn you some things about the government. (And like it worked. I can be bribed into philosophy discussions with the promise of good dick.)

I wish I knew all these references, but I almost never read classics.

I think a lot of girls are struggling with the I need to be liberal, I want equal rights, but also I just want a man to take care of me because the world is so bad and they have it so much easier and life is built for partnership and community and it’s really hard to go it alone mindsets right now.

I actually can’t function reading this book because I want that man.

I wish I were better versed in philosophy and politics to get all the references this is making, but oh my god, if you’re a kinky sapiosexual, god help you with this book.

I googled the painting. I get it. That’s sexy. Literally illustrated biblical penetration and orgasms are called the little death for a reason.

I don’t like his favorite painting.

I like all the feisty economic and religious commentary. It’s a dog fight. I’m into it.

Oh, this book makes me unwell I want him, exactly him. Like the dirty talk is perfect.

DID I MENTION UNWELL.

He said leave limping, and my immediate response was do it, and the book was also like do it, and I’ve never felt so seen.

I don’t know how to tell you that you will also like Run, Run Rabbit if you like this book. They are similar men. You will respond to it.

I want him.

I love banter. I need him biblically. Literally if it’s not like this, I don’t want it.

That’s even my wine taste, jesus.

They really do expect us to pay. It’s horrible.

All interesting men have tried it.

God, this book is intellectual porn.

Oh, come on. You can’t basically put you are hungry and I respect hunger in this book and expect me to act normal. Are you kidding me? That’s my favorite quote I’ve ever read.

We’re the same kind of creature. She just has the advantage of thinness. Like there is a noticeable gap in this book’s commentary about that. This book collapses if she’s not stunningly beautiful so everyone around her treats her nicely. She is kinda peak pretty privilege.

I feel like this is validating my I think some kinks are self-harm. I didn’t say you couldn’t want to self-harm. And I love that he’s furious about it.

I swear to god, if he breaks up with her after this for her safety, I’m gonna lose my mind. (We are safe…for now.)

“I got pushed as far as I asked, and I’m not entirely sure what I found inside myself.” Oh my god, pornography

I feel like anyone emotionally healthy is gonna be deeply concerned by this book, and all the rest of us are just like haha yeah…

This book is so fucking good.

That is the entire point of thought.

She’s really overusing coheres this chapter, and I haven’t had an issue with any of the vocabulary up until now. (To be fair, this is the arc copy, so it may have been corrected for the final.)

I feel like this book is gonna make me cry with the exactness of how much I want this.

OK, but what bad thing is gonna happen because we’re 40% in, and I think they can end right here. Roll credits. Let them be happy. I don’t wanna read on and get sad.

Hey, so if I don’t get a him, I would rather be alone.

She hasn’t blown him yet, and I feel cheated because there’s no way I could resist that kind of power over that man. (We never do.)

I have decided I don’t like the audiobook. I can’t get over her voice for him.

Oh hello, my favorite movie. She wrote this just for me.

I want him so bad.

A man who will fuck you stupid and appreciates your intellectual work-like I just, it’s this or nothing.

I love the East Coast.

She eats a lot of apples in this book.

Elijah would make me hate Brooklyn.

I do genuinely love oat milk, but this book needs to chill about it.

This book hasn’t been happy, but the relationship is so functional, that I’m going to crash out when it inevitably goes wrong because it has to to have plot, but like oh my god, this or nothing. He doesn’t need to be this ungodly rich, but this attitude or nothing. I would rather die alone.

Fuck me til I cry superiority. Idk what to tell you. There’s so many sex scenes in this book, and you’d think I would get tired of them, or they would get repetitive, but they don’t.

I fear he is one of the hottest men that’s ever been written.

Yeah, I feel like every girl has endured sex she doesn’t want in an effort to feel something or avoid something.

We’ve overused bleached as well.

Her friends really are wonderful and the glamour and romanticism of this novel is really buoyed up by their wealth which sure fits thematically but who just gets to HAVE that.

They better get back together I swear to god.

The way this man is heartbroken at how much she hates herself every single time is so healing.

I’m staunchly anti-kid, but my heart does squeeze anytime two characters want to start the family that they never got to have together.

Post-reading: What can I even say about this book without catching a public indecency charge? If you like Capricorn men, if you were also punished with that brand of brain disease, hello, this is a book for you. She really said you can have your cake and eat it too; I’m gonna write intellectually stimulating lit fic and cram absolutely filthy kink into it.

Some people are gonna argue that there’s too much sex. Some people are gonna be wrong. You’d think the scenes would get repetitive, but they don’t. They’re so hot. They’re so emotionally charged. His dirty talk is so good. If you like it rough or have a size kink, I hope you’re prepared to feast.

I think her self-harm inner monologue is painfully accurate. I know the third act breakup is gonna piss people off, but it fits her character. She’s 23, guys.

All the political and economic and religious examinations were genuinely fascinating. I loved their banter. I wish I had more of a background in this to understand all the references, but I think if you regularly read lit fic, you can get enough from context clues and Google. But like you will have to work to read this book. It is not a mindless silly goofy good time smutty read.

And as much as I loved it, I think there are some places where the book could be improved. Nothing’s so egregious that I would even consider dropping my rating by a half star. There’s a handful of words that are incredibly overused. I was reading my arc copy, so it may have been corrected in the final, but using coheres that many times and that closely together was criminal work. There’s a lot about oat milk for no real reason. Bleached is wildly effective the first time, but loses its punch when it keeps popping up in the scenes.

You can make an argument that this book is wildly hypocritical. At the end of the day, it is a billionaire romance fantasy which doesn’t exactly jive with critiquing wealth disparity and capitalism. She’s supposed to be struggling and that’s part of their class divide, but her friends are loaded and paying for everything. The interactions with her friends in general felt a little shallow. It’s a lot of partying, and granted they are in their early 20s, but her friends ended up feeling more like quirky accessories than real concrete characters. It cheapens some of her arguments to have her going after his policies like a terrier with a rat, but then she’s fine with the more bohemian easy wealth of her friend group.

We never get a resolution about her job and her thesis. The book cuts off before we do which seems a little silly because we spent so much time on it earlier.

And like there is this level of absurdity to the book. You want me to believe that man falls for a 23-year-old vegan? But like that’s the fantasy. If you’re insecure and a little brilliant, the dream really is let me have this accomplished person validate my intelligence and care for me even when I show them the very worst of myself. You can want unrealistic things.

The kink in this isn’t super ethical. You know they never sit down and hash out safe words and limits, but that’s kind of the point. She’s very much using it to self-harm, and he’s down bad and trying to indulge her every wish. I think the saving grace to this is that you can always tell he’s trying to please her rather than getting off on the violence. Their darkest scene is him being heartbroken by her asking him to do that to her, and him begging her to want more for herself. And like it ain’t healthy, but if you’re toxic, you’re gonna respond to it. So the people complaining that this isn’t a healthy BDSM relationship are so correct, but the book doesn’t pretend that it is. You’re just allowed to think bad things are hot. Maybe try some therapy, but-

I don’t know what else to say. I basically highlighted the whole goddamn book. It’s excellent. It’s going on my all time favorites list. I will read anything this author puts out. I’m shocked that this is a debut.

Who should read this: Capricorn girlies Sapiosexuals Fuck me til I cry fans Sally Rooney fans Tiffany Reisz fans

Ideal reading time: Summer

Do I want to reread this: YES

Would I buy this: At the 7% mark, I knew I was gonna give this five stars, and I bought the book from BOTM.

Similar books:

• The Siren by Tiffany Reisz-lit fic, erotica, kink, queer, religious commentary
• Intermezzo by Sally Rooney-lit fic, family drama, mild kink, autism, social commentary
• Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood-contemporary, workplace romance, mild kink, autism
• Problematic Summer Romance by Ali Hazelwood-contemporary, age gap romance, family drama, mild kink
• Liquid by Mariam Rahmani-lit fic, rom com retelling, family drama, queer, social commentary
• Run, Run Rabbit by C. M. Nascosta-now hear me out. is this werewolf smut?maybe! But the MMC is the same brand of dommy asshole suit and you’re gonna like him. Urban fantasy, romance, kink, family drama
• Dom-Com by Adriana Anders-contemporary, workplace romance, kink

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.