My Selling Pitch:
An East Coast Gothic, sapphic, lit fic horror that’s Little Red Riding Hood meets Frankenstein that’s almost a banger, but takes some debut author stumbles. Still worth the read for fans of weird girl horror!

Pre-reading: I have thought it was bacteria on the cover for SO LONG. I figured something like Tender is the Flesh. I love femme horror. Hopefully, this delivers.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Okayyyyyy. Society preys on young women like veal calves? Talk dirty to me more.

That’s my whole schtick. You are hungry and I respect hunger.

Bundy sin

I can understand why some people don’t like to be called girls, but I personally don’t relate. I’m a girl. They’re a boy. No matter the age. They’re so interchangeable to me. It doesn’t really connote age to me. Maybe 30 is the woman cut off, but I’m approaching that at 28 and I still feel like a girl.

The narrator‘s voice reminds me of Mrs. Maisel applying.

I love sharky women.

There’s a late 80s, early 90s feel to this, but like they have smartphones so it’s clearly not. (This book would be better set in the 90s.)

I love how so many books are like the town is so unfriendly, how odd! And I just laugh and laugh in New Englander.

Where does this take place? They have a lighthouse and a beach. I was picturing the Cape or Maine, but I don’t think that’s correct. (Canada maybe? The narrator had that accent.)

Oh, the audiobook is very different from the arc.

I like these girls.

Oh, was she trying to prove her dad‘s innocence? That’s crazy. I didn’t have that on the board. I thought it was gonna be like a dead sister or a dead girlfriend.

So he’s building a Frankenstein’s monster?

This is slow, but there’s nuggets of prose that I’m really enjoying.

Whenever there’s a serial killer dad, I always think of BTK and Hannibal’s Hobbs.

This is good mommy issue nuance.

They had to have caught her dad with her severed arm, no? (That was not the arresting incident.)

I knew this was East Coast shit, baby.

This is seriously girlhood horny.

ME: ASKING WHERE THIS BOOK IS GOING. I like it but also gimmie a direction now. We are overdue.

Don’t psychoanalyze me. You wouldn’t like me when I’m psychoanalyzed.

Oh my eyebrows shot up. This audiobook narrator is killing it!

A me!

All the tension in this book vanishes if they just Nancy Drew it and force people to answer their questions. Like it’s driving me a little nuts.

Where is this book going? Like it has to be more than just a literal interpretation of the violence against women epidemic and how you literally cannot avoid it. (It is and it isn’t.)

WOW, the arc is wayyyy different from the audiobook here again.

I wonder why the arc changed so much from the final copy? There’s pieces I like in both.

The Frankie made a monster and I made a normal man is a fucking banger line. It fits so well thematically-where you have the one girl be like this cannot be humanity and the other girl being like this is just a fact of humanity. That’s 11 out of 10.

I kind of wish I had followed along closer to see what other changes the arc made, but I only catch it when I go to highlight a quote and it’s not there.

They buy a lot of coffee in this book, but that’s so accurate for 20-something girlies.

It’s Raining Men is hilarious.

It’s a little Stranger Things.

There’s gotta be something to the violence against women system and linking it to video games too.

Scared meat actually tastes worse. It was so close. And thematically it should be the lull of safety is what the complex wants. Just behave and you’ll be safe. Don’t struggle so we can eat you alive.

Ugh, I hate that they’re different again. The arc has such different messaging about her mom.

But the solution can’t be love interest kills your daddy issues. You have to do it yourself.

This has gotten kinda cheesy in the ending.

But like what about everyone’s mortgages and student debt?

Post-reading: This book has great moments, but it’s not a great book. It needed more time to cook, more theme development. Some of the prose is gorgeous and toothy, and then other bits feel clumsy and out of place. It’s like almost there.

And I think the changes made to pivotal scenes between the arc and final copy further illustrate the thematic floundering. The book had trouble deciding if it wanted to focus on women and find empathy for mothers and daughters without condoning the behavior the patriarchy forces them into or if it wanted to go after the patriarchal industrial complex that feasts on young women. And it’s frustrating because there was room for both, but the book ends up shying away from making weighty statements about either.

I don’t like the ending. Your lover can’t save you from your mommy and daddy issues. The solution can’t be burn it all down and skip out on mortgages and student debt. That’s a fantasy, and that misguided immaturity nailguns the book’s theming between the eyes. How can it be a coming of age story when the solution is a codependent farce? She’s not moving on, she’s just transferring the burden of obsession onto another person. I think it’s pretty frustrating that there’s no resolution or reconciliation reached with their mothers. I think the book pretty carefully and pointedly sidesteps condoning survival behavior as inherently moral, but it’s bleak that the moms are more forgotten victim shrapnel.

It’s a better character study than a horror or revenge thriller. The characters are likable. Lawrence and Frankie’s chemistry is crackly if problematic. It’s a timely spin on Frankenstein. I love that the OG is the horror of creation absent women vs this book is the horror of creation precisely because of men. Like it’s got some serious legs.

The ending gets a little cheesy. The monster’s basically vanquished by the power of friendship. That’s not something I want to see in a horror. I do like that the monster isn’t real. I like that men are still ultimately responsible for the violence. I like that the monster only injures the people Frankie emotionally injures. All that works. You lose me a bit when all the other victims have seen the monster before it comes. Then it’s not Frankie’s monster. And sure, you can argue that she sees them as her victims because she should’ve stopped her father, but she couldn’t possibly have known all the randoms her father was going to target. There’s no way for them to testify about Frankie’s monster beforehand, if she didn’t know they were going to be victims. The monster needed to be a manifestation of her guilt or a literal interpretation of a predatory patriarchy. Trying to make it both just feels rushed and sloppy.

The pacing isn’t good. This book is slow. There’s slow burn, and then there’s paint drying. This book walks a fine line between the two. If you don’t latch onto the romance, you’re going to be bored. And even if you do strap in, the plot meanders. It lingers in the wrong places. It feels directionless at times. This book’s tension vanishes if a single character reacts normally and refuses to accept cryptic bullshit non-answers.

And all that being said, I still kind of liked it. The atmosphere fucks hard. It’s East Coast gothic drenched, and even the sticky summer setting doesn’t take away from that. There’s some juicy quotes to pull. I think it’s a must read for weird girl horror, flawed as it is. I think you’ll enjoy it and be as frustrated as I am because god, it was almost there. It’s a debut and you can tell, but fuck, am I excited for what she’ll put out with a little more maturity under her belt.

The audiobook is also really good. The narrator does a great job performing the dialogue and infusing it with the appropriate emotion. If you’re going to read this, I highly suggest listening to it.

Who should read this: Weird girl horror fans Frankenstein fans Gothic horror fans

Ideal reading time: August into September

Do I want to reread this: With a book club, yeah!

Would I buy this: Yes!

Similar books:

• Mouth by Puloma Ghosh-short story collection, angry sad girl litfic
• Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh-psychological horror, revenge thriller, unreliable narrator, family drama, queer
• The Starving Saints by Caitlin Starling-psychological horror, historical, queer, unreliable narrator, religious commentary
• Normal Women by Ainslie Hogarth-lit fic, mommy horror, social commentary
• Bunny by Mona Awad-psychological horror, magical realism, dark academia, unreliable narrator, queer
• Nightbitch by Rebecca Yoder-mommy horror, magical realism, social commentary
• When the Wolf Comes Home by Nat Cassidy-magical realism, horror, thriller, family drama
• Mary by Nat Cassidy-psychological horror, retelling, family drama,
• Maeve Fly by C. J. Leede-psychological horror, retelling, queer
• Hot Wax by M. L. Rio-lit fic, family drama, revenge thriller, queer
• American Werewolves by Emily Jane-magical realism, horror, historical, social commentary, queer
• Black Flame by Gretchen Felker Martin-psychological horror, historical, queer
• The Book of Love by Kelly Link-lit fic, magical realism, ensemble cast, queer
• Black Sheep by Rachel Harrison-horror, revenge thriller, cults, religious community
• Private Rites by Julia Armfield-dystopian, lit fic, retelling, family drama, queer, cults, ensemble cast
• The Library at Hellebore by Cassandra Khaw-dark academia, horror, ensemble cast, myth retelling, queer
• Mayra by Nicky Gonzalez-psychological horror, magical realism, litfic, queer
• Oddbody by Rose Keating-short story collection, lit fic, horror, fairytale retelling
• Blood on Her Tongue by Johanna van Veen-gothic horror, historical, magical realism, litfic, queer
• Bat Eater and Other Names for Cora Zeng by Kylie Lee Baker-paranormal horror, revenge thriller, social commentary
• Boys with Sharp Teeth by Jenni Howell-YA dark academia, revenge thriller, magical realism, queer
• Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater-YA magical realism, ensemble cast, queer
• The Lamb by Lucy Rose-horror, family drama, queer
• The Unworthy by Augustine Bazterrica-dystopian horror, queer, cults, religious commentary
• Cuckoo by Gretchen Felker-Martin-horror, retelling, queer, trans
• Monstrilio by Gerardo Samano Cordova-magical realism, horror, family drama, queer
• Grey Dog by Elliot Gish-historical, gothic horror, family drama, queer
• Night’s Edge by Liz Kerin-dystopian, urban fantasy, family drama, queer
• Soft Core by Brittany Newell-litfic, psychological horror, unreliable narrator, social commentary, queer

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Aunt Flow meets Carrie.

Pre-reading: It only feels right to read this while on my period.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Oh so this is a Carrie retelling.

I'm so not a good for her girly.

Post-reading: This was cute. The art’s a little inconsistent. Some of the panels have pretty weird faces. It’s a predictable story, but still satisfying. I roll my eyes a bit at a good for her storyline, but I know plenty of people like the trope. It’s a fine graphic novel, but it didn't wow me.

Who should read this: Good for her fans

Ideal reading time: Summer

Do I want to reread this: No

Would I buy this: Nah, grab it from your library.

Similar books:

• Mary by Nat Cassidy-Carrie retelling, horror, revenge, cults
• Squad by Maggie Tokuda-Hall-graphic novel, horror, highschool, revenge
• This Delicious Death by Kayla Cottingham-YA horror, revenge, queer
• Golden Rage by Chrissy Williams-graphic novel, dystopian, horror, revenge, queer
• The Lamb by Lucy Rose-horror, family drama, queer, revenge

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
A graphic novel retelling of Norse mythology. Gorgeous art, but the story’s hard to follow.

Pre-reading: That blue lipstick is wild.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: I love the wildebeest!

The dialogue is pretty stilted.

It looks like the Incredibles’ robot.

That’s a gorgeous drawing of the bear and skulls!

Wait, they killed the bird? That’s so sad.

The colors in the forest kind of remind me of Avatar.

It reminds me of the other Avatar too. Everything changed when the fire nation attacked.

A massive ghost orgy?

The story is both really hard to understand and really predictable.

The art is beautiful, but the story needs a lot of work.

I hate everyone dies storylines.

The art in this is unbelievably gorgeous but it’s wasted on a convoluted story.

Post-reading: I’m gonna be thinking about that bear panel for a while.

The art in this is gorgeous, full stop. It’s almost worth picking up just for that. The colors are so moody. The character design and the storyline leave a lot to be desired. It’s hard to differentiate the characters. They all look a little too similar, especially Nils and Arun. The dialogue’s very stilted. I thought I was missing pages because there’s no flow to the story. The narrative jumps around a lot. Characters’ motivations aren’t super clear. Nil’s biggest priority is getting his father’s attention and a falcon only for him to suddenly become a character willing to sacrifice himself for the good of the world on nothing. He blindly follows the gods off one fever dream vision. Similarly, the king is desperate to save his son, you know, the same son who shot and killed him not even ten panels back.

It’s also a bit of a morbid story. Everyone with a name dies. That’s a hard sell for an audience. What do I care if the fake world keeps turning if all the characters I was introduced to are dead? I think it wraps up too abruptly as well. Sure, they make a new tree, but you won’t convince me that executing a single king and his council immediately halts predatory resource farming. The whole story just doesn’t make that much sense. Pick it up for the pretty art, but if you’re looking for a satisfying story arc to accompany it, seek elsewhere.

Who should read this: Art fans Avatar fans

Ideal reading time: Winter

Do I want to reread this: Nope.

Would I buy this: Nope.

Similar books:

• The UnChosen by David Marquez-dystopian fantasy graphic novel
• Falling in Love on the Path to Hell by Gerry Duggan-graphic novel, historical, fantasy romance, revenge
• Red and the Wolves by Cherry Zong-graphic novel, dystopian, fairytale retelling, fantasy, queer romance
• The Jasad Heir by Sara Hashem-hear me out-predatory resource farming, chosen by the gods, overthrowing a corrupt kingdom. Eh? Political, fantasy romance, enemies to lovers

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Dystopian cyberpunk Gatsby meets Inception. Banger.

Pre-reading: I love love love this cover. I loved sci-fi Hamlet. Let's see if an updated Gatsby works for me because I don't like the original.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: It’s been a HOT minute since I read Gatsby. That was sophomore year. And I'm like oh, that's not too long- lemon, you're twenty seven.

Book, I’m very stupid. Please make the tech digestible. (Your brain will have to be on, but it won’t ever hurt.)

It's cinematic so far.

The way this hellscape political climate is this dystopian’s rose-tinted twenties.

Ha. Gayyyyyyy.

This might be an absolute banger.

I'm so sat.

I’ve never understood Daisy’s character in Gatsby. She's so manic. (And by understood, it’s more why people like her because lol I do NOT.)

I don’t feel bad for her. She had a career. She chose to leave it and marry a twat and reproduce with him. You know what you're signing up for, and you could leave. (But she’d be poor- AND? Did I stutter? Play the game, sis.)

I just don’t get her.

People living in server farms in this dystopia is really smart.

This is such an excellent adaptation.

I feel like this could make for good TV if they got the Altered Carbon people on it.

If the secret is he's dead and a robot already, I would LOVE that. Or after they kill him he's back.

I am in my worst mood in August.

Sharing the tower with his unmodified self?

This book’s so smart in that Gatsby’s literally selling the American dream and how it’s all fake, and then he’s literally changing Nick’s vision.

This is a much more digestible translation of the original too. Look at all the characters forced into their careers by circumstance and trapped. Like it’s really well done.

I do think the book is a little hard up because it’s trying to give you two questions, that if you’ve read the classic- which I assume most people have- you already know the answer to. Like you know who Gatsby is. You know what his motivation is.

FINALLY a good fucking update on the beautiful fool line.

I assume this has to be a little like Inception, no?

I feel like you can’t make fun of his alias if you can’t even remember it.

It really annoys me when a book doesn’t provide the translation at least in a footnote. Thank god for Google translate. But hiding a big thematic-lying or he likes you-is so annoying.

I wonder if her fam’s biotech company severed her from herself and Gatsby is memory obsessed because he’s trying to restore Daisy’s feelings. Would be a goooood update.

This we can’t be with the people we’re lusting after so we’ll just be with each other. Like it’s just silly. I hate Gatsby. This is such a good update of it, but the original is so dumb to me. (May this kind of love never find me lol.)

I love when it mirrors the original text, and I’m teleported back to sophomore year. Also, it’s wild how much I remember. Like the let’s have some gas and the sweltering hotel room with the juleps.

I remember thinking this when reading the OG, but y’all are too old for this shit! How was having your husband out and your ex who you’re now having an affair with EVER going to end well? And it’s just so hard to buy these men fighting this viciously over such a nothing woman. Like she sucks. The whole time. Zero redeeming qualities. She’s a bad mom, a bad friend. She’s like the epitome of Libra flitting around and avoiding any consequences, and I can’t stand her lmao. But like it just speaks to how good an update this is that I don’t question it for a second. Like it nailed the characterizations.

SUCH A GOOD UPDATE. The theme of seasonality in this is perfect.

Twenty noiiiine

Slow clap for making chapter 30 Nick turning 30.

Curious how they’re gonna spin this because Daisy killing Myrtle is a bigggggg plot point. (Have a little patience, Samantha.)

What’s the let’s go lesbians equivalent for the boys haha? But like whoof. Hot. Deserved. One hell of an update.

Gatsby is absolutely a bottom, and 3rd generation immigrant fucking the personification of the American dream is- READING IS POLITICAL.

Also, again, I can’t decide if it’s a weakness that this is an update where everyone knows the original story because you know he’s winding up dead in a pool after this. It kinda kills the tension. I'm not like omg what’s gonna happen? I'm just curious to see HOW they make it happen.

I believe in miracles 🎶🕺

Through the back door literally is so funny!

I love the flip of the classic line.

I think it’s a 5-star update, maybe a 4-star for personal enjoyment because it’s still Gatsby, and I find all the characters just so eyeroll worthy. But like fuck, this book deserves its flowers. I feel like clapping after a show haha. It has that theatrical play quality to it.

Post-reading: Good retellings fuck.

I'm not a Gatsby fan. I might even be a hater. And I still finished this book like should I clap? I think it’s a 4 for personal enjoyment, but that’s not this book’s fault. It’s the original’s. I've just fundamentally never understood the appeal of any of the characters. Daisy’s insufferable. Nick’s a bitch. Gatsby’s a simping cuck. That's never been my love interest archetype. Their yearning reads pathetic and embarrassing to me, and I do not like them. This book didn't change that.

But that means it nailed the characterization. It was a seamless update. All the dialogue feels so authentic to the mood of the original. They never felt out of character. Their motivations and themes were easily identifiable, and this book did all that while telling its own anticapitalist message. The prose is just handy. The seasonality of the natural world and of life is used beautifully in this to underscore the plot. Like it’s just fuckin’ good, man.

And I say that as a hater of the original! I loved when it lifted lines. It never felt like lazy writing. Every change and sentence felt thoughtful. This book’s obviously more explicit with its queer relationships, but they follow the exact patterns the source material sets up. They never felt gratuitous or out of place. It all just flowed.

The sci-fi elements only add to the original’s themes. Gatsby is literally selling the American Dream. That's brilliant. He literally changes how Nick sees the world. That’s brilliant. His greatest accomplishment and fondness for Daisy is a memory. That’s brilliant. The book flips two of the original’s most memorable lines, and I couldn't be happier with their outcome. I've loathed that beautiful fool line since I've read it, and it was so refreshing to see this book with its full chest also say fuck THAT. Updating a classic is beating against the past, but the ending of this is much more hopeful. I find it much more satisfying.

It is unhesitatingly, and unquestioningly a five-star retelling. If you're a fan of the original, you should pick this up. Even if you're not a fan, I think this is worth your time if you appreciate the craft that goes into writing social commentary in a different, more timely font. I will absolutely be picking this author up again.

Who should read this: Classic retelling fans Dystopian fans

Ideal reading time: Summer into fall

Do I want to reread this: Maybe? Leaning no. This kinda felt like a reread. But it’s not this book’s fault. It’s just not my favorite classic.

Would I buy this: Yes!

Similar books:

• The Death I Gave Him by Em X. Liu-Shakespeare retelling, dystopian, sci-fi, mixed media, queer romance, revenge thriller
• Gifted and Talented by Olivie Blake-magical realism, satire, family drama, social commentary, unreliable narrator, camp, ensemble cast, queer, romance
• Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney-contemporary, lit fic, queer romance
• The Lost Story by Meg Shaffer-magical realism, Peter Pan retelling, queer romance, family drama
• Evocation by S. T. Gibson-magical realism, queer romance, why choose
• The Men Can’t Be Saved by Ben Purkert-contemporary, lit fic, queer
• Fable for the End of the World by Ava Reid-YA dystopian, queer romance, enemies to lovers, social commentary
• Mouth by Puloma Ghosh-short story collection, dystopian, queer, fairytale retellings

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
If Ali Hazelwood wrote a steminist lesbian road trip.

Pre-reading: The cover reminds me of Life is Strange.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Ali Hazelwood, this you?

The dialogue in this is pretty stilted. (It reads like it might have been translated into English, and although this is an arc, it could use an exit before it goes to print.)

Rom com serial killer sin

The color in this is beautiful.

It reminds me of The Pairing.

Damn, girlypop can draw some sexy bits. I didn't really expect this book to have that haha.

She’s really good at drawing hands.

I love Isa.

I like that the book fakes you out that she’s dead in the epilogue.

That was cute af.

Post-reading: This graphic novel couldn’t be more Ali Hazelwood coded. It’s a simple rom-com plot, but it's drawn so beautifully, I don’t think you'll mind. The book also acknowledges that it's trying to be more of a feel good movie and a romanticization of life, rather than something that sticks to reality. It’s science and thereby steminist more in the abstract. Characters are chemists, but we never get into the actual nitty gritty of their research. I don’t think that's inappropriate for a graphic novel. There’s limited text space.

It's a cute, mindless read. The color choices are beautiful. The character designs are diverse. It’s got a hopeful, idealistic little message. I think if you're a fan of Miss Ali or cozy romances in general, you'll enjoy this. If you're looking for anything deeper, I’d give it a miss. I liked the art style, and I’d pick this author up again.

Who should read this: Ali Hazelwood fans Queer romance fans

Ideal reading time: Summer

Do I want to reread this: Nah, I'll remember it.

Would I buy this: Yup. The art is really good!

Similar books:

• The Princess and the Grilled Cheese by Deya Muniz-graphic novel, historical romance, queer, camp
• The Pairing by Casey McQuiston-comtemporary, queer, travel romance, second chance,
• Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood-contemporary, workplace romance, enemies to lovers, women in STEM
• That's What She Said by Eleanor Pilcher-comtemporary, queer romance
• Passion Project by London Sperry-contemporary romance, messy girl fiction

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Slow af mushroom cult horror that thinks it's feminist but totally misses the memo and just fetishizes women’s bodies the whole time.

On my do not read list.

Pre-reading: The cover gives “Wuthering Heights,” and I LOVE Manhunt, so your girl is sat.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: I don’t like that she keeps her drugs with her cat.

I hope they eat the cop. Hannibal Lecter mushroom episode style.

I think the mushrooms ate the last camp interpreter because he was diddling kids. (I wanted to read this book, not the one I got.)

These mushrooms have the wackiest names!

This is kinda aggressively cringe woke.

Can they chill with calling her fat?

Title drop

They're feeding the mushrooms bodies for sure.

Maybe the Lord of the Forest took over the old logging camp guy’s body?

I understand the Manhunt comparisons, but Manhunt is much better. I think it’s also kind of like Stag Dance, but again Stag Dance is so much better.

This is really slow and just kind of performatively edgy, and it’s kind of falling into the manhater sphere. And the trap of characters are only trans or gay from sexual trauma, and I'm just tired, man.

The audiobook is FUN with the glitch voice!

They’re literally murdering people, and I’m still like this is so slow.

Poor raccoon!

I don’t understand this horse piss dialogue. Is that slang for a drug or another mushroom?

I might be too straight for this. I’m just getting annoyed. Everyone in this book sucks. (Too straight in the all the descriptions of women are SO male gaze, so it’s just icky to me, but maybe if you lust after women you have some of these thoughts. But I actually just think it’s problematically so male gazed.)

It’s not even smart, satirized comedy. It’s just hateful clichés.

Japanese Maple has been forever tainted by the Kelces.

This is closer to Midsommar and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Psychadellic titty milk is crazy.

Skillet’s genital mutilation backstory is really, really sad.

Women aren't supposed to do anything. Women don’t owe you shit. Women aren't “supposed” to want to have kids or give birth. That's not part of the identity. Get fucked.

Be nice to Skillet.

I'm still confused by the piss.

It's reduced women to such fetishistic parts that there's nothing feminist about this.

Kayfabe

So mushroom tentacle porn. You're just screaming male gaze at this point.

I'm so checked out.

Lordosis

Everyone dies books are so unsatisfying to me.

Post-reading: The cover and the comp titles for this had me so excited. It didn't just flop for me, but I actively hated reading it. And that’s saying something because I push through a lot of garbage books with oodles of whiny bitching but rarely visceral hatred for them.

And it’s frustrating because I am DOWN for transgressive horror and problematic characters and satirical social criticisms. This was a hateful MESS. It’s like the worst side of the brain rotted left where it throws away the mission for equality and decides it wants indiscriminate retribution. I'm left as they come. Do you know how much I hate when a book has me exasperatedly dragging my fingers over my face like not all men, and even worse, not all cops? I don't want those loaded statements in my mouth, but this book reads like it calls for the death of everyone because the only legitimate way to live is to tap into the divine feminine which can only be achieved through-oh yeah, parthenogenically birthing babies. We’re in a character’s flawed POV when this statement is uttered, so hopefully the author doesn't genuinely believe this, but the character does say with her full chest that you can't be a valid, real woman unless you want to birth kids. Lol get so fucked.

The characters blend together into sexually traumatic backstory bingo. I found Skillet to be the most likable character. I'm a sucker for morally gray charisma. But she’s treated like a running, bonkers, horny joke. It’s heavily implied that the girl’s father forced her to sit on a hotplate so that she couldn't have sex, and instead of taking female genital mutilation seriously, it’s played for body shame-tinged laughs. Fatness is repeatedly fetishized, and all people who are attracted to it are reduced to chasers, like there’s no valid way to be into bigger bodies. Breastfeeding and birthing are sexualized. There’s some indecipherable-to me at least- dialogue surrounding a bestiality piss kink. And it got to me. The book treats the experience as kinky horror, but it was just disturbing fetishism to me along the lines of American Horror Story. I know plenty of people like that series, but I can't cope with the violent undertones to all of its sexual horror. And if this is the first review of mine that you’re reading, I can hear the eyerolling kink-shaming prude comments. I’d encourage you to go look at the comp titles I'll be giving for this, and I think you'll change your tune. I loved those books. I love this genre. So when I say this was not fucking it-

It's pretty laissez-faire with its drug use. I’m a total square, so that’s not for me, but I can enjoy some acid-laced prose. The visuals for it never deliver. There’s gore, but no stakes to it, so it's never scary. If you kill characters I'm not emotionally bonded to, I'm not gonna react. The book constantly tells you that the Lord of the Forest is so terrifying that people can't see him and continue to live, but we never get any threatening behavior from him. By all means, don't show me the monster directly because they'll always be scarier before their reveal, but even when the audience finally gets to see him, there’s zero horror. The whole book is more counterculture disturbed than genuine horror. It reminded me so much of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood not just because of the cult factor, but also because the rampant sexual abuse is treated as something sexy and titillating and almost aspirational rather than being disgusting.

And the ending! It’s such a cop out. I hate everybody dies books. There’s almost no actual resolution to the plot. We never learn why Sarah’s so desperate for money or why she can't get a real job and her only motivation, to take care of her cat, she exchanges for giant astral projection breasts? It's so deeply unsatisfying.

I just don't think you should read this. I don't think you'll enjoy your time. It's not snarky, it’s not funny, the characters don't win you over, the plot’s a shoestring, and most damningly for a horror, it’s not even scary. The best part of this book was the audiobook’s sound effects for the phone glitch, and that's about it for positive things I can say about it. If you're looking for horror with gender commentary I really encourage you to pick up one of my comp titles because those books slap.

Who should read this: Cult horror fans Drug trip fiction fans

Ideal reading time: Fall

Do I want to reread this: Nope.

Would I buy this: Nope.

Similar books:

• Stag Dance by Torrey Peters-short story collection, historical, horror, folktale retelling, queer, trans, social commentary
• Manhunt by Gretchen Felker-Martin-dystopian horror, queer, trans, social commentary, cults
• The Starving Saints by Caitlin Starling-psychological, magical realism horror, queer, religious commentary, cults
• The Unworthy by Augustina Bazterrica-dystopian horror, cults, queer, religious commentary
• You Weren’t Meant to be Human by Andrew Joseph White-dystopian horror, cults, queer, trans, autism, social commentary
• Mary by Nat Cassidy-horror, social commentary, cults, revenge thriller
• Black Sheep by Rachel Harrison-magical realism horror, family drama, revenge thriller, cults
• Tell Me I’m Worthless by Alison Rumfitt-horror, unreliable narrator, queer, trans, social commentary
• Deliver Me by Elle Nash-psychological horror, family drama, revenge thriller, queer, unreliable narrator, cults, social commentary
• American Werewolves by Emily Jane-magical realism horror, historical, queer, social commentary, revenge thriller
• Overgrowth by Mira Grant-dystopian sci-fi horror, queer, trans, autism, social commentary

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Saltburn meets Rollercoaster Tycoon, but it’s a lackluster revenge thriller whose logic collapses with any puff of skepticism.

Pre-reading: Rollercoaster horror? Sign me UP.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Dragging the twin towers into this is crazy.

T Swift sin

Giant magnet for her head plate? In a lightning storm? That kinda survival thriller?

I think Cady cheated on Tom.

Danson’s plan is giving Clue.

Send a signal from the lights during a storm?

Enough with the t swift references.

The logic of this doesn’t make a ton of sense. Like the book collapses if anyone reacts rationally. Like if she tells anyone his dad’s a serial killer, it reflects poorly on her, not him. He didn’t do those crimes. Also, if your parents are that involved, they’re definitely checking your transcript, and your transcript says what classes you’re enrolled in.

He’s tied by a cardigan but like his other hand is still free to untie himself?

No one‘s questioning that they don’t have to sign NDA’s or that there’s no security around or EMS on site? Like it’s just too far-fetched to believe, but it’s kinda popcorn thriller-y just go with it. I still wanna know the rest of the mystery.

I’m assuming she’s gonna say that she was the one driving, and she submitted her brother‘s essay to get in or something?

CAMARADERIE, I mean 🎶

Saltburn meets Rollercoaster Tycoon.

Maybe the stalker comes to save them? I’m assuming Tom knows Raf or Eloise from the hospital and is long gaming this. (There were truly so many spots in this book to make it a smarter, twistier thriller, and the way this book took none of them.)

This is stupid.

It’s doing the Riley Sager thing where it bloats the word count by overly describing actions and halting them mid scene with out of place reflective internal monologuing.

Oh cool, so we could've slipped out this whole time.

And we just rendered that moot too. Like it’s so pointless and repetitive. Let's try this solution. Oh no, it doesn't work. Just kidding! Oh, and this other solution we vetoed earlier? Ha, yeah, that's also back on the table. It's not very fairplay to the audience, and y'all know how I feel about that.

They shouldn't survive that. She should absolutely miscarry at this point too.

Everyone in this book sucks!

My friend’s too nice and motivational. My lobster’s too buttery. My steak’s too tender. God, this is dumb.

Why the hell would your dead Lyft driver’s mom be at your wedding?

Lmao so the message is make your man do it? Hold down a career as a doctor and a YouTuber? Hey, what’s up, you guys, scrubbing out of the ER and into TSA PreCheck. We're going to Disneyland!

These suggested book club questions are sending me. Absolutely crying laughing at would you do what Danson did? Like no. Can't say I'd get an entire engineering degree and build a whole ass rollercoaster to complain my friends didn't help nepo baby me into a career.

Post-reading: This should've been a novella. As far as concepts go, Saltburn meets Rollercoaster Tycopn is an absolute banger. There's been a spike in survival horrors taking place in bonkers locations, and I think they're super fun. But you either need to be camp about it, or have rock-solid logic. This book doesn't have either. Characters’ motivations are flimsy at best and nonsensical at worst. You expect me to believe this man came up with this master plan and engineered a whole ass rollercoaster knowing he was going to trap his friends on it and homie couldn't even put in an elevator? It expects you to believe that multiple Oxford graduates and a woman who literally reviews rides for a living have no qualms about being the first test riders without EMS standing by? The blackmail plot line makes no sense. There’s no way his parents wouldn’t see his transcripts.

Thrillers should be breakneck fast. This one passes at an absolute snail’s crawl. The action is constantly halted by internal monologuing. The scenes get repetitive because the audience is told that an escape solution doesn’t work, only for that exact same solution to work later on. It’s kind of like a fake-out death. You get one narrative retcon, and after that, you lose your authority and believability.

The main character, Cady‘s, “crimes” are so ridiculous, I don’t think a single reader will be able to take them seriously. Her friends blame her for motivating them. That’s batshit. She’s going to be blackmailed for being a passenger in a car? No one’s blaming a child for distracting a driver like that.

The stalker plot point is hand-waved away, and there should’ve been no way for Danson to fly away from his engineering project to locate Cady in bumfuck nowhere in the woods only so she can not recognize him.

And maybe you can sit back and enjoy a popcorn thriller that doesn’t make much sense if there’s some other redeeming quality, but this has no humor, this has no character to root for. Everyone just kind of sucks the whole time. I don’t think it’s so offensively written that it deserves a one-star. It attempted to have a plot and twists. It’s a complete story arc. It’s just a bad one. I wouldn’t recommend this, and I won’t be picking the author up again.

Who should read this: Popcorn thriller fans Rich people drama fans

Ideal reading time: Summer

Do I want to reread this: Kinda.

Would I buy this: No.

Similar books:

• Five Survive by Holly Jackson-same book, different font. YA revenge thriller, ensemble cast, schoolmates, unreliable narrator, locked room mystery
• She Lies in Wait by Gytha Lodge-procedural crime, revenge thriller, ensemble cast
• With a Vengeance by Riley Sager-revenge thriller, ensemble cast, rich people drama, locked room mystery
• None of This Is True by Lisa Jewel-revenge thriller, mixed media, unreliable narrator, family drama
• The Night of the Storm by Nishita Parekh-revenge thriller, locked room mystery, family drama
• Her Last Breath by Taylor Adams-revenge thriller, ensemble cast
• Next to Heaven by James Frey-revenge thriller, ensemble cast, rich people drama
• Speak of the Devil by Rose Wilding-crime procedural, revenge thriller, ensemble cast
• Thin Air by Kellie M. Parker-YA revenge thriller, locked room mystery, ensemble cast, schoolmates
• The Secret History by Donna Tartt-dark academia, revenge thriller, ensemble cast, social commentary

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Look, you’re gonna hear sex contract and come into this pitchfork at the ready, and then it’s gonna be one of the cutest, healthiest romances you’ve read all year. Just an autistic hottie and a regular degular playing kinky hide and seek so well, you’ll be reading one-handed. Thank me later!

Pre-reading: Obsessed with a hot pink cover.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: I’m sorry, back up. What do you mean you liked being HUNTED by your ex-husband?

Oh hell, what did I sign up to read?

A Christmas book?

Slap my ass and call me, Sydney. She might be the only sane one in this book.

How do you claim sex contract on your taxes?

This book is funny. I’m enjoying it. It’s very Lights Out.

Wanderlust is a weird safe word.

You know, I get the werewolfy bits, but then it goes a little too far into degradation, and I’m like oh, not for me. Also, my pain tolerance is not like that. I’m not jumping off a roof for a man. Are you kidding?

Hunger begs to be sated is kind of a banger, when you think about how much I love you are hungry and I respect hunger.

I wish it was a better sweater. There’s so many good Christmas sweater puns. A cat one is not doing it.

Hey, it’s extra crazy that you devised the system to hunt her. This is like stalking at this point, my guy. It’s not romantic. (Final thoughts Samantha calling this a healthy romance was a turn.)

A minty boy

I fear I do love a werewolf book, and this one might be speaking to me lol.

I don’t think he’s terrifying? He hasn’t done anything scary. What do you mean? He ate your pussy like you wanted him to. I don’t like that she’s agreeing that he’s terrifying. That is kind of a bucket of cold water on the hotness. I think you should still feel safe during your kink. I do like that this book is being so explicit about her consent though. It’s kinda like Lights Out where the second the FMC isn’t into it, the book would fall apart, but because she’s down bad, it’s good.

YUP. Oh please, book don’t ruin it with an icky comment. We’re walking a fine line. Thread that needle. Keep it sexy. Don't get rapey. (Needle threaded!)

I would like them to stop with the deer thing. It’s just overused, and the audiobook people are not good. It’s extremely cringe.

Your Honor, did we just survive? And not just survive, but thrive. Oh, I fear this book might be going on the instruction manual list. (Abso-fucking-lutely it is.)

Hey, this audiobook is actively bad, and I think it will ruin the book for you.

Hello, can we have a sequel with Tanner? I love him.

What season are they in because they’re in Maine, and it’s after five. If he’s got a hell of a commute, it’s probably like an hour, so that would put them at six o’clock, so the sun is going down. Also, it’s warm enough that you can go in the lake? Like I guess it has to be the middle of summer, but then there’s mosquitoes! (They literally said it was summer break because she's a teacher at the beginning of this, and I promptly forgot.)

400 acres is crazy.

You know, that author’s note really had me worried, but I’m live laugh loving.

Allie was like he’s gonna be mean to her! And I was like I don’t want that. And he’s like I don’t wanna do that. I just wanna make her comfortable. I’m obsessed with her. And I’m like as he should be.

Can they chill with the deer thing though?

This book SAID equality, and Samantha said HOT.

Lol, if you have a thing for teeth, you’re gonna need to be sedated. I think my brain is leaking out my ears.

her: he’s gonna be so mean, he’s not gonna cuddle her after sex That lasted not even 30 seconds. Like so sorry, don’t think making her come and checking if she’s OK and consenting the whole time is being mean. I’m like do we have the same definition? And he’s calling her good the whole time? Like guys, where is the mean and terrifying? This is fucking golden retriever territory.

The way my jaw dropped. What do you mean a bear?

She said I heard y’all were picking the bear. Do you wanna pick him or the bear?

me bitching: where’s the sunset the book: it’s in 20 minutes.

Also, he’s just so mean giving her the literal clothes off his back and buying her a wardrobe. I'm- I gotta get me one of these- full Tangled frying pan moment.

Camaraderie- I mean🎶

It’s not creepy. This is hide and seek that you both agreed to. There is no creepiness to this.

Sorry, but it does give me the ick that he practiced on a fleshlight.

Title drop

Her friend has…quite the style.

Fuck me to death is too far. Dirt in the face is too far. The teeth is…not too far lmao.

He's like vaguely autistic lol.

The author’s like see, he didn't aftercare! And I’m like homegirl, you should see the Tinder boys. That was basically princess treatment.

Sequel sequel sequel

Extremely orange cat behavior

I hope we get books for the siblings.

It's Butcher, it's Run Run.

This is so cute, but also these people are supposed to be 40. This is some late twenties shit.

Help. Oh, I need to be sedated.

This third-act breakup is stupid, but I get where she's coming from. He's being an uncommunicative dumbass.

You know what I love? Kinky equality.

I thought this was the end, but we’ve got 20% to go!

I really need them to chill with the deer thing. Also, at least call him a stag lmao.

This book’s so relatable with the insecurities and body care.

30 days til an ‘I love you’ is kind of crazy. I don’t know if that’s just me being avoidant or- Like I genuinely believe they’re a good match for each other, but 30 days is really short.

I’m unwell again. Why do they keep burying hot smut in the epilogues? Just give it to me in the book.

Post-reading: Hey, this was phenomenal, and if I don’t get a sequel and this expanded into a series, I will riot. That first chapter and those trigger warnings had me so ready to climb up on my soapbox and be like we need to want more for ourselves as women. And then this was one of the cutest and healthiest romances. I’ve read all year. This is how you do it, people!

This book is like 75% fucking. We’ve got stuff in holes before the 10% mark. That’s crazy. And yet it’s still so wholesome? This is almost a cozy romance. Does a dark cozy exist? Because this is it. A kinky cozy? Take your pick. It’s feelgood, and it’s hot.

Like so hot. I really can’t emphasize to you enough how much this book works. Equality is SEXY. It was so refreshing to read one of these kinky romances where it wasn’t just a Dom/sub dynamic enabling toxic behavior. These two fucking cinnamon rolls are both just like how can I make the person I’m obsessed with come? How can I make them feel safe and cherished? And I don’t think anyone’s gonna argue that this is a vanilla romance, so here’s your proof it can be done. I only want to see this. Take some fucking notes.

Gushing aside, it does fall victim to a few of the classic romance pitfalls. Money isn’t really an object here because he’s loaded. The side characters aren’t well developed, although I would love a book about his brother and his assistant. The couple doesn’t really have a social life or hobbies, although in their defense, ‘my kink is traipsing around in the Maine wilderness for literal hours’ is just a wee bit time-consuming and physically taxing. I don’t think I would have any leftover energy to take up a craft if my idea of a good time was hiking a small mountain, railing someone, and then getting up at 7 AM to go argue in a courtroom. The deer nickname is always cringe, and it’s gratingly overused. It spoiled a good bit of the dirty talk for me.

There's mild autistic rep in this. It's nothing explicit, but it’s heavily implied, similar to Ali Hazelwood’s characters. The characters grow and change and recognize their problematic behavior which is so nice to see in a dark romance!

The book’s got jokes. It’s self-aware enough to know that the premise is bonkers, and even the characters acknowledge their behavior is kinda out there. There’s enough comic relief while it also tackles serious issues of insecurity and consent. It’s really well done. Everyone’s likable. Well, aside from her comically evil ex. These cozies really do love a revenge fantasy plotline. I don’t like the love interest saves her from being sexually assaulted, and then they immediately bang trope, but I feel like this book’s scene made sense or at least as much sense as a scene like that CAN make sense. I’m like wow, I wish you had chosen to do literally anything else to advance the plot, but if we must, this was probably the least offensive way to do it.

I’m not sure what else to tell you. It’s a smutty, silly goofy good time, and you should pick this up. It’s not Pulitzer material, but it’s probably gonna get you hot and bothered, and it won’t offend you while it’s doing that. I wanna see way more of this in the genre as a whole and more books specifically from this author. I can’t wait to see what she puts out next!

Also, I don't recommend the audiobook for this. I don't think the narrators did a very good job. Their voices and acting weren't great during the sex scenes, and I think they could put you off an otherwise very sexy book.

Who should read this: Werewolf girlies Autism rep fans Cozy romance fans who also like smut

Ideal reading time: I think you could read this anytime, but they do bring up Christmas a bunch.

Do I want to reread this: YUP.

Would I buy this: YUP.

Similar books:

• Run, Run Rabbit by C. M. Nascosta-urban fantasy, romance, enemies to lovers
• Lights Out by Navessa Allen-dark rom-com, revenge thriller
• Butcher and Blackbird by Brynne Weaver-dark rom-com, camp, revenge thriller
• Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood-contemporary romance, enemies to lovers, revenge

My Selling Pitch:
What if being a magic school’s chosen one was a bad thing? Gorgeous art, as nd while the plot leaves you hungry for more, it doesn’t stand on its own well.

Pre-reading: The white haired lady on the cover looks like Manon.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Love the art style already.

Very dynamic poses

There’s a whiff of Winx Club and Harry Potter about this.

Is this setting them up to be enemies to lovers when they’re grown, because DOWN!

I love how he draws eyes.

Everyone in this is too hot. If evil, why hot? That’s golden mafia Barbie.

A stellar setup, but not a complete story arc that stands on its own.

Magic as stylized font is so cool but I would not have seen it without this post-comic explanation.

Post-reading: This world is so interesting! I could’ve used a bit more concrete plot for an opening volume. This is all set up, and while it tosses a lot of balls into the air, we don’t really catch any. I’m super invested in finding out what happens next, but I think if you read this, you’re gonna be left wanting.

The art is gorgeous. Everyone’s hot. The panels have such dynamic poses and there’s so much detail to the costumes and hair. I love how the artist draws eyes and lashes. It’s got just enough humor, but is firmly a darker dystopian. The idea of magic being stylized text is absolutely incredible. I just wish I could read it. I don’t think there’s any way to figure that out unless you read the author’s note at the end of the volume. So much work clearly went into crafting sentences of power, but they’re lost on the audience since they’re in multiple different languages and then stylized to boot. You can’t exactly throw them into Google Translate.

The good guys are actually the bad guys is always a compelling plot, and even though it’s been done before, I’m still not tired of it. The characters are lacking a bit of personality and backstory to really endear them to the audience, but this book had a lot of ground to cover. The panel where they explain the shard’s dimensionality is a real standout. It’s pretty complex, yet super digestible, and the illustrations fit perfectly. I’m looking forward to reading more, but I wish this had a satisfying arc to stand on its own.

Who should read this: Winx Club fans Harry Potter fans Dystopian superhero fans

Ideal reading time: Anytime

Do I want to reread this: Yes, the art is so pretty.

Would I buy this: Yeah, I really like the art.

Similar books:

• The Library at Hellebore by Cassandra Khaw-horror, urban fantasy, dark academia, unreliable narrator
• Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma-YA urban fantasy, dark academia, romance, mystery, enemies to lovers
• The Longest Autumn by Amy Avery-fantasy, dark academia, mystery, romance
• Court of the Undying Seasons by A. M. Strickland-YA fantasy romance, dark academia, family drama, mystery, queer
• The City of Stardust by Georgia Summers-fairytale retelling, magical realism, family drama, romance
• Bytchcraft by Aaron Reese-urban fantasy, graphic novel, queer, family drama

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
The Boys meets the Kingsman Secret Service in an absolute romp of a graphic novel.

Pre-reading: Love this cover. It reminds me of that painterly American Psycho fanart.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: The voice for each character is so good!

Supervillains reproduce too lol

Does she have a cock pillow? Lmao!

This is very Kingsman camp, and it’s making me laugh.

Aw, Willy no! This would make a fab TV show. It’s kinda The Boys-y.

I love this!

You want to WHAT my father. Oh, this book is so funny!

If you like Nimona, you’ll love this.

Did he clone Willhem into Willy? I love this series so much.

Your honor, I love them. Oh, I’m giddy.

The you fuck my parents gag is not getting old. Please more. It’s so funny.

Delivered everything it should’ve and then some. Gimme the sequel.

Post-reading: It’s fucking funny. It’s well-paced. It taps into nostalgia. The dialogue is top tier. Everyone’s charismatic and has chemistry. You get attached to the characters so quickly. Frankly, my only complaint is that there's not more of it, and I can't even be that sore about it because it gives you a solid standalone story arc. This is made for TV. It’s violent and a little sexy while still having that familial heart of gold. It's so much fun. Pick this up. You are missing out if you don't.

Who should read this: The Boys fans Nimona fans Campy thriller fans

Ideal reading time: Anytime

Do I want to reread this: Yes!

Would I buy this: Absolutely!

Similar books:

• Nimona by N. D. Stevenson-urban fantasy, revenge, found family
• Spy Family by Tatsuya Endo-campy, spy thriller, found family
• Damsel from D.I.S.T.R.E.S.S. by Andrew Clemson-campy fantasy revenge thriller, family drama
• Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots-campy, urban fantasy satire, revenge, found family
• The Blonde Who Came in from the Cold by Ally Carter-spy thriller romance, enemies to lovers
• Big Hard Sex Criminals by Matt Fraction-campy, urban fantasy satire, romance
• The Irresistible Urge to Fall For Your Enemy by Brigette Knightly-fantasy romance, thriller, enemies to lovers
• When the Wolf Comes Home by Nat Cassidy-campy horror, family drama
• Long Live Evil by Sarah Rees Brennan-campy fantasy romance, meta fiction, revenge

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

My Selling Pitch:
Ali Hazelwood’s back to make fanfiction-style knotty werewolves mainstream by running Conor and Maya through a Bass Pro Shop wood chipper. Now with 50% more cults!

Pre-reading: Look, I love that book one was such a phenomenon, but honestly not my favorite Ali book. My big takeaway was that werewolf blood is green, and they should have Shrek slime rockets. Also, they ambiguously killed her dad so that they could maybe have a villain for book 2?

Something about the cover wolf’s proportions gives centaur, and I know I’m wrong for that but-

(obviously potential spoilers from here on) Thick of it: Luckily, I wrote an unhinged summary for book one, and while it was very funny and helped me remember what happened in book one, I would still love an Ali refresher of important people, places, and things. (We don't get a real one, but the vampires are barely relevant, so you don't need one.)

Me: settling down for a few chapters of a silly goofy romance before bed Ali: opening with vivid child abuse Insert that Community pizza delivery to an inferno gif

Oh, and now sexual assault. Jesus, Ali!

I like the male narrator’s voice, but his acting of the dialogue does not match the mood of the text. It’s like really off-putting.

Hey Ali, super, super weird opener where you’re like the MMC could rape her. Like I know he’s not going to, but I want nothing to do with this dialogue or this suggestion.

Gelid is CRAZY.

Ali, EW. Spare me the sphincters. Oh no, am I about to hate another one of her books?

Never mind, I’m back. Real estate market crash is so funny.

The male narrator’s performance conflicts so much with how my head voice is reading Koen’s dialogue, and it’s really upsetting me. Like the emotions are so wrong! Also, I knew he sounded familiar, and I complained about his narration of Caught Up too.

Why is he giving a worse version of Conor?

I don’t even like a man joking that my place is in the kitchen. You can’t treat women badly. Only I can treat women badly because it’s a joke when I do it. Sir-

Oh baby, someone get me the dog catcher pole. He might be going on my shit list. I got the choke chain out.

It’s going down. I’m yelling timber!🎶

Lord knows I have a mouth on me, but the potty talk needs to stop.

Why does this have plot? When do we get to doggy style?

Haha, I like the cheeky audience recap acknowledgment.

Lol, that’s my philosophy for characters. If annoying, why here?

You know, every time her bad feminism gets me cranky, she sneaks in a little higher education dig, and I’m back in.

Did we all forget about them using Ana as bait in book one?

This dialogue has Tumblr post energy.

... unfortunately sir, I am a brat, and intimidation tactics will not work on me.

I miss Grayson.

There’s gotta be some correlation between us girlies with awful periods and fixating on werewolves.

Ali Hazelwood, I love you, but so help me god, if this is she needs to be fixed by his magic dick, I’m gonna lose my mind.

Shouldn’t they be able to smell her degeneration, hybrid or no?

Ali, a degenerative disease and abuse and sexual assault is not what I signed up for! This was supposed to be a silly goofy time!

The medical mystery terminal illness diagnosis is giving Renesmee baby. (Truly counting down until I can make a where the hell have you been, Loca joke in the summary.)

Hell yeah, women in STEM. I loved the mitochondria tidbit.

Why did they immediately jump to her dad is in the destroyed records and not a lone wolf?

So many politics, Alison. When do we boink?

I feel like her characters are so inconsistent across books. Like when did Misery grow balls and become such a troll? Also, I thought Serena was more Danika coded, but maybe I just assumed that because Crescent City was also about looking for a missing bestie.

I feel like all I remember about Misery from book one is that she loves peanut butter and sleeps in the closet. (That’s all this book remembers about her too.)

Ali Hazelwood, this is leaning heavily into daddy dom territory, and I’m NOT about that.

Why is there so much nose picking in this?

A CONDOM FULL OF WHAT?!?!

Why are we getting WWE right now? I signed up for WERE. (I think I'm very funny.)

I kept rereading like did I miss how she lost her parents? But no, the book never says. It just has this random dialogue about it. I know we’re supposed to assume it’s from the human threat, but like that’s so unclear.

Ayyy Eli. I clocked that Not in Love reference.

This is literally just AU Conor and Maya.

Also, it’s basically a billionaire romance, and I hate those, and I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because they try to sell it like he’s so generous, and it’s like the money means nothing to him. He’s not actually being generous because he doesn’t have to make a sacrifice to give it.

I was an investigative journalist, but now I’m a trad wife! What is happening

Camaraderie, I mean 🎶 (You can pry this joke from my cold dead fingers.)

The overstimulation with the clothing and the auditory processing is very much giving autism.

Does she mean beanbag? Can she just not say beanbag like you can’t say frisbee?

Also, I really don’t like Koen. Serena’s sympathetic, but I don’t see myself in her. Koen isn’t somebody I would wanna be around, let alone date, and I definitely wouldn’t let my friends date someone like that.

Scarp

The piano just makes me think of Twilight.

You’re the one playing with her thighs, dude. You made it sexual, not her. You don’t get to turn around and be angry that you’re horny. Oh, I can’t stand him!

The phrasing of that sentence was so odd. It sounded like the man’s six-year-old was in Koen’s lap.

Ali’s metaphors are wild this book, even for her.

concupiscence

... what sort of messaging is I made the man too horny to focus, so it’s my job to get him off.

OK, that’s a plot twist. I did not have that on the bingo board. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WOLFY VOW OF CELIBACY.

OH FUCK, SO HE’S LIKE THE FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN?!? (Ali says he was getting it on enough to learn that his dick is too big for vagines at 15. 15. Fuckin’ ew.)

harangue

You know, I was getting real cranky, but I’m back in.

Why am I getting a vocab and a politicking workout in my smut book? And a vow of celibacy. Alison, wild stuff.

Gonorrhea? In my good romance suburbs?!? ALISON.

Hair cut time! I love suggestive dialogue even if I know it’s not them fucking, but it’s so good for me every time. It’s like unfortunately my sense of humor. Probably part of the reason I love Sabrina so much.

I feel like she’s made a sphincter diamond joke before. And I didn’t want it made then either.

Wild that it’s gonna be I need you to break your vow and fuck me so I don’t die 😂😂😂 and like the sheer camp of that is-

So if they have Christmas and Bibles, then they have Christianity, but how does Christianity explain werewolves and vampires? 😂😂😂

Not the trad wife convention: only my husband can decide what my reality is.

Girl, just say cold water. Gelid is crazy.

She’s in the middle of a medical episode and your solution is gaslight her???? Get so fucked, my dude. Also, punching out the mirror just puts glass all over the floor. Can’t be like I’m worried about her hurting herself and then you create more of a dangerous situation.

Cold water is drugs 🎶

Pulled pork is CRAZY.

Say it. Out loud. Twilight reference!

This is robbing a woman of her bodily autonomy and right to medical consent, and it’s pissing me the fuck off.

I mean, as a chronically ill girly, this does tug at my heartstrings because like I also want a protector who’s like you can’t die. I’ll stop it. But the rest of this- You don’t get to make my medical decisions for me. What the fuck.

Why don’t they just pop an Oura ring on her? A fucking Apple Watch. That’ll take her temperature.

Your honor, lock me up. The mental gymnastics I’m trying to do right now to rapidly forget the context of this and how he’s been a douche canoe all book because hot damn, do I love a werewolf book 😂🥵

I’m very glad he’s acknowledging that she literally can’t consent right now.

The male narrator is so bad. Why does he go New York for this, and the book’s like he’s choked off, and that’s just not how he emotes the line, and it pisses me off! It’s like he only reads the lines and none of the dialogue tags.

Every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in! Live, laugh, toaster bath.

Oh, I need to be sedated. Oh, it’s one in the morning. Samantha, don’t be this horny on main.

Why have we 180ed the medical? Like don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled about it, but why is that earlier bit in there if you know it was unethical?

The baby carrots line made me cackle.

Also, this book keeps bringing up STDs, and I would like it to stop.

We’re so back.

I just said aw out loud.

OK, I know we don’t have a plot if they can give her the injection, but you’re telling me she’s a practicing midwife and has zero progesterone on hand. I don’t believe you for a goddamn second.

Your Honor, I am just a girl.

Oh, it’s two in the morning. We gotta stop. What a bastard of a book. Immaculate tension. Fucking whiplash inducing with its this is bad messaging and then I’m like fuck, this is hot as shit.

Vinegar goes in pancakes when you wanna make buttermilk.

Ali, write us the werewolf space opera. Don't be a coward. Clearly, anything you write sells.

Better call Saul

Who the fuck is Jess? (Who’s that girl🎶)

Oh, literally no one. She’s been introduced just now but the text is treating her like an established character.

How would Koen not sniff them out? That doesn’t make any sense.

Wow, both of their boyfriends have killed their dads.

Jess is a pretty massively important character to the plot to have her just dropped on us without even a speaking part.

Oh, it’s gross that they met when she was a literal child. Why do they insist on doing this in age gap romances? I suspected at the beginning of the book, but then I was like oh, the ages don’t really work out. That’s so icky!

I know her mom sucks, but this is a pretty impossible thing to come back from in a romance for me.

Passing out is lazy writing.

It’s so giving period sex LMAO.

Girl, that was tame. What the fuck. The other scene was so much dirtier! I miss Grayson.

She def didn’t take those birth control pills. (Really dropped the ball on this plot point.)

Christ, she made Misery annoying this book.

HA. Woo agency!

WHY ARE WE DEPRIVED OF THE KNOT CONVO. THAT’S ALL I WANT!

Just like Bride, it’s another obvious, lackluster plot that wraps up too neatly and isn’t anywhere near as horny as it’s being advertised.

Also, I still think he’s a douche canoe

Hi. Sorry. “You’re such a nuisance” is NOT an “I love you.” I’m so categorically offended on her behalf. Ladies, the bar is in helllllll. Please want more for yourself than man who negs you because he can’t cope with his feelings. Fuck that shit.

I LOVE the Parent Trap.

I'm domesticated and bedazzled.

Post-reading: You know, I expected mid, and I got mid. Bride is far from my favorite Ali book, and dare I say it, I kinda like the sequel even less. To be fair, it’s expanding on a wobbly ass foundation. Both books’ plots kinda feel like well something else HAS to happen. We can't jump right into doggy style. Give ‘em the ol’ political razzle dazzle b plot as foreplay. And I'm over here like we were already on our knees barking for it.

I don't think Ali Hazelwood maintains good character continuity across books. I noticed it in Not in Love, and I saw it again here in Mate. The main couple becomes more comic relief and without the original FMC’s narrative perspective, they come across so differently. They're still enjoyable characters but without a running peanut butter gag as identifier, I wouldn't have recognized Misery. Koen feels fundamentally changed. I liked him in Bride. I couldn't stand him in his own book. Serena and his’ dynamic felt a lot like she put Maya and Conor through a Bass Pro Shop wood chipper. They’ve got the same age gap and whispers of billionaire romance and a really weird trad wife slant to them. For the people in the back, feminism isn't saying you can't be a homemaker, but girlypop really quits her job to join a canine cult that strips her of her own medical autonomy. But Sam, he gives it back to her! It wasn't his to take in the first place? We’re not rewarding men for NOT being dicks. The bar has to be higher than that.

I'm a huge Ali fan. I love her millennial cringe. But there's definitely been a trend in her high-control romance books where I'm ready to fight the MMC. Like they’re mean! “You're a nuisance” is not an “I love you.” Want more for yourself than that! I don't dream of emotionally constipated heroes who never change. I’m very much a he’ll fix himself if he knows what’s good for him kinda gal.

I also hate the opener. I do not want sexual assault treated as a just for laughs meet cute. It feels so tonally off too when I feel like the audience’s expectation is that this series is a silly goofy good time.

For a book pitched as the even knottier sequel, the smut is annoyingly sparse and tame. Granted, the lead-up scene had me feral (when I wasn't loading the shotgun for Koen’s next off-putting line of dialogue), but the actual boinkfest was a total snooze! She even cut the girl talk debrief which was the conversation I was most looking forward to reading. If you're gonna go the stereotypical werewolf route, don't bury your bite scene in an epilogue.

The plotting got repetitive. Girlypop was bait all book, but hey, third time’s the charm. There's a bitter ex-girlfriend in this for no reason, a bunch of named side characters that are never relevant to the plot, and one of the main villains, Jess, is introduced in the same chapter she acts in, and she never speaks! I hate when an age gap romance involves the characters meeting when she’s a literal child. At least we didn't get a Twilight-style imprinting on a baby, but again, the bar is in hell. I killed your family, but it’s chill because they sucked is a hard one to come back from, and I don't think this book did any successful mitigation of that trauma. It was kinda just like well, they're mates so they're instantly in love. And that's not enough for me!

Look, if you pick this up, I still think you'll be entertained. A fuck me or I'll literally die plotline will always be camp as hell, and I'll eat it up because I'm a garbage veteran of the fanfiction trenches, but it’s not good. It’s definitely more of a brain-rot read. Also, I enjoyed the audiobook overall since I love duet narration, but the male narrator’s acting does not match the book’s dialogue tags, and it kept annoying me.

Who should read this: Werewolf girlies Trad wife dreamers

Ideal reading time: Fall

Do I want to reread this: No

Would I buy this: Yes, but it's because I'm committed to the bit. It's such a cultural moment and the special editions are gorgeous, so I feel the need to own it. But I got rid of my OG copy of Bride and if this was a standalone, I wouldn't be buying it. I love Ali though, and Probably Smut does the BEST comic book covers for her.

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