This is probably going to be all over the place, because my mind... meanders... but anyway...

This is not a book I would have ever picked up, were it not my bookclub's pick of the month. I also think I would have DNF'd it, but I love our discussions, so...

Anyway, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. Though I'd never read a dark academia book before, there's something deeply unappealing to me about the whole aesthetic (which is why I wouldn't have picked up this book in the first place). There's nothing I find enticing or romantic about private schools, privileged kids, secret organizations, or obscure references to Greek and Roman... anything, really. So I came in quite negatively prejudiced to the book.

My favourite part: the prologue. My least favourite: the epilogue. The prologue was very direct, straight to the point, clear. We knew who had been murdered and by whom. We knew it was intentional. And that the rest of the story would likely take us into why it happened, and what happened later. Though I think the book could have been shortened significantly, I enjoyed how much the book focused on the consequences of their actions. I think it would have been ✨better✨ if their descent into madness was even a bit more pronounced.

As for the epilogue, I think it would have been better if it had ended right by the words "Beauty is harsh". There's something about how hearing the fates of everyone involved just listed that I found really off-putting. I'm not sure why, but I think maybe it's because it felt like a break with Richard's character. Though he was a terribly unreliable narrator, his commitment to beatiful language (at times excessively so) was something I appreciated. Especially the nature observations the author put in there were really beautiful and felt like they fit Richard's character really well. There's just something about an "Oh yeah, and this is where we all are now" that feels so clumsy and un-Richard-like, and I also think a more open ending would have served the story better.

I feel like the male characters were pretty well written, and even though you don't get a good sense of who they truly are, as Richard is so prone to romanticizing them, you do get a good sense of who he ✨thinks✨ they are. The same is not true for Camilla, who just fell super flat for me as a character, and more so after the reveal about the incest/sexual assault/domestic violence between her and Charles. I did suspect the incest from very early on (though partly I think it's because I associate their names put together with "illicit affair"), but I think where the reveal came in the story was off (it took too gd long), and also I didn't see the impact of that horrific situation in Camilla's character. I suspected a consensual, kind of tragic love situation, a shameful secret on both their parts, an impulse they kept succumbing to but were trying to fight.

Also that throwaway scene where Richard is recalling his fantasizing about raping Camilla was also one of those wtf moments that also felt out of character. It was a little too honest of him. Also, the way he spoke about Camilla throughout the book reminded me so much of Humbert Humbert and Lolita for some reason, so it icked me out from the beginning.

As you can probably tell by now, I didn't really manage to empathize with any of the characters in the story. I understand them, I thought they were tragic, but that was about it.

Other thoughts: Richard: "I felt my essence was tainted, in some subtle but essential way". I thought this was such a good description of Richard, but also all of them. It made me think about what made Julian pick specifically these five (six) young adults. Richard describes his fatal flaw as a "morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs" and while this is also a romanticization of his character, it's also not inaccurate. His whole retelling of the story (OF HOW A BUNCH OF DRUGGED UP ALCOHOLIC YOUTH MURDERED THEIR FRIEND TO COVER UP ANOTHER MURDER) is like a dream, a play, a fairytale.

For the others, Henry is heavily autistic-coded to me: his expressionless face, directness, unusual style, stiff walk, rude stares, overly formal speech, deep interests and savant-like intelligence gives that. Plus his extreme wealth and privilege, it's no wonder he was a misfit and would latch onto someone like Julian. Francis, in addition to being born to a teen mom (which it's clear invited a lot of gossip until they were shown to live an extravagant lifestyle) is gay in an environment where this is not accepted. Bunny's "taint" is his childhood of extreme emotional and physical neglect and abandonment by his parents, and his learning disabilities and shame around them. For Richard it's poverty, violence in the home, child abuse. And as we eventually learn for Camilla it's incest/rape/violence at the hands of her brother. Now what I can't figure out is... What is Charles' fucking problem? He's also very flat as a character. Just an alcoholic. I don't understand his reasons or motivation at all.

Funniest quote: Richard: "Had I stayed in California, I might have ended up in a cult or at least practicing some very weird dietary restriction". It was funny when I first read it, and it was funnier thinking back because he did end up in a cult (of Julian/Henry) and did have a very weird diet (alcohol and pills mainly).

Review so long the app is starting to glitch so I'm going to hit post now.