alexz's Book Journey

all credit for bringing this strange story to my attention goes to @maomi who found it during a rogue google. i decided to take one for the team, spend my hard earned $1.36 CAD plus tax and read all 38 pages of this bowling themed “romance”?

we began the tale with an introduction to our hero Chad. the first thing we learn about Chad is that he is blessed with a very special penis. Chad’s dick apparently resembles a bowling pin in both shape and size - which means it’s 15 inches long? Chad claims I got 99 problems, but my pin ain’t one. and i’m like, i don’t know Chad, that sounds like a problem to me. if someone presented me with a 15” dick i would say “no thank you, sir. keep that monster to yourself.” now, i can only provide the perspective of a cis woman but we did secure the thoughts of a man to share: when asked his opinions on a 15” dick Mr @maggiebogo AKA @maggiebogoshubs replied “that sounds annoying. think about, like, buying jeans.” so i ask, Chad, how do you buy jeans??? but the bowling ladies seem to love it, no prob for them, Chad’s made the rounds of the league even though he is a shit bowler bc as the saying goes “either you’re good at bowling or you’re good at fucking”?!

once Chad is done regaling us with talk about his strange and massive cock we get down to the bowling. Chad is unfortunately in a bit of a dry spell, it’s been months since he bowled a strike. and to top things off, he just shattered his bowling ball! thankfully, his surrogate father, Daddy Hank Dickinbut - owner of Area 51 Cosmic Bowling, comes to his rescue and gifts him with a very special cherry red bowling ball named Betsy.

our girl Betsy is a babe from the 70s crafted from a meteorite! Chad takes the beautiful Betsy back to his humble abode, where she tells him (bc she talks, duh!) that she can make him a CHAMPION! but in exchange she asks that he fill her holes with, ofc, his bowling pin dick. you may be wondering how this could possibly work, i was as well - but obvs Betsy holes can grow to accommodate his massive size bc she’s fucking magic! i was then treated to the only sex in the whole 38 pages and it was brief, underwhelming and heavy on the bowling puns.

the rest of the story literally just details the State Championship match between ChadXBetsy and Chad’s ex Jessica “Juicy Puss” Lane. for 6 chapters nothing happens besides each competitor scoring a strike. then in Frame 7, Betsy delivers the devastating news that if they win she disappears bc of fucking stupid magic and shit. let me tell you, i was shook! not our girl Betsy! obvs Chad is going to throw the match to keep the love of his life, right? WRONG!

Chad, the world’s biggest fucking idiot, decides to sacrifice Betsy and win the match. what a fucking loser of a winner, am i right? now i didn’t cry bc i am a stoic bitch but this was fucking sad as shit!

Chad takes over Hank’s bowling but also gives up bowling forever. i would assume this is bc he’s back to being a shit bowler without Betsy but, you know, at least he still has his bowling pin dick or whatever.

an aside before we wrap up our review: a capital R Romance by definition ends with a HEA or, at the very least, an HFN. this book had neither. no one’s happy at the end except maybe Hank living in retirement? Chad’s not happy, Juicy Puss isn’t happy, Betsy is certainly not happy bc she’s fucking DEAD! and i, also, am unhappy! ☹️ 

we conclude with a teaser for a sequel where maybe Betsy will be back(!), discussion questions that you can share at your very own bowling league book club and a recommended menu of bevvies and snacks to accompany your reading experience.

i forgot to mention that the text on the cover is in fucking Comic Sans! the most offensive of fonts!

i would not recommend this book not bc it wasn’t good (though, it wasn’t) but bc it was fucking heartbreaking. 😭

if you are interested in sentient object romance i will offer an alternative recommendation. try a Holly Wilde or Vera Valentine, i’ve had much better experiences with their work.

all credit for bringing this strange story to my attention goes to @maomi who found it during a rogue google. i decided to take one for the team, spend my hard earned $1.36 CAD plus tax and read all 38 pages of this bowling themed “romance”?

we began the tale with an introduction to our hero Chad. the first thing we learn about Chad is that he is blessed with a very special penis. Chad’s dick apparently resembles a bowling pin in both shape and size - which means it’s 15 inches long? Chad claims I got 99 problems, but my pin ain’t one. and i’m like, i don’t know Chad, that sounds like a problem to me. if someone presented me with a 15” dick i would say “no thank you, sir. keep that monster to yourself.” now, i can only provide the perspective of a cis woman but we did secure the thoughts of a man to share: when asked his opinions on a 15” dick Mr @maggiebogo AKA @maggiebogoshubs replied “that sounds annoying. think about, like, buying jeans.” so i ask, Chad, how do you buy jeans??? but the bowling ladies seem to love it, no prob for them, Chad’s made the rounds of the league even though he is a shit bowler bc as the saying goes “either you’re good at bowling or you’re good at fucking”?!

once Chad is done regaling us with talk about his strange and massive cock we get down to the bowling. Chad is unfortunately in a bit of a dry spell, it’s been months since he bowled a strike. and to top things off, he just shattered his bowling ball! thankfully, his surrogate father, Daddy Hank Dickinbut - owner of Area 51 Cosmic Bowling, comes to his rescue and gifts him with a very special cherry red bowling ball named Betsy.

our girl Betsy is a babe from the 70s crafted from a meteorite! Chad takes the beautiful Betsy back to his humble abode, where she tells him (bc she talks, duh!) that she can make him a CHAMPION! but in exchange she asks that he fill her holes with, ofc, his bowling pin dick. you may be wondering how this could possibly work, i was as well - but obvs Betsy holes can grow to accommodate his massive size bc she’s fucking magic! i was then treated to the only sex in the whole 38 pages and it was brief, underwhelming and heavy on the bowling puns.

the rest of the story literally just details the State Championship match between ChadXBetsy and Chad’s ex Jessica “Juicy Puss” Lane. for 6 chapters nothing happens besides each competitor scoring a strike. then in Frame 7, Betsy delivers the devastating news that if they win she disappears bc of fucking stupid magic and shit. let me tell you, i was shook! not our girl Betsy! obvs Chad is going to throw the match to keep the love of his life, right? WRONG!

Chad, the world’s biggest fucking idiot, decides to sacrifice Betsy and win the match. what a fucking loser of a winner, am i right? now i didn’t cry bc i am a stoic bitch but this was fucking sad as shit!

Chad takes over Hank’s bowling but also gives up bowling forever. i would assume this is bc he’s back to being a shit bowler without Betsy but, you know, at least he still has his bowling pin dick or whatever.

an aside before we wrap up our review: a capital R Romance by definition ends with a HEA or, at the very least, an HFN. this book had neither. no one’s happy at the end except maybe Hank living in retirement? Chad’s not happy, Juicy Puss isn’t happy, Betsy is certainly not happy bc she’s fucking DEAD! and i, also, am unhappy! ☹️ 

we conclude with a teaser for a sequel where maybe Betsy will be back(!), discussion questions that you can share at your very own bowling league book club and a recommended menu of bevvies and snacks to accompany your reading experience.

i forgot to mention that the text on the cover is in fucking Comic Sans! the most offensive of fonts!

i would not recommend this book not bc it wasn’t good (though, it wasn’t) but bc it was fucking heartbreaking. 😭

if you are interested in sentient object romance i will offer an alternative recommendation. try a Holly Wilde or Vera Valentine, i’ve had much better experiences with their work.

all credit for bringing this strange story to my attention goes to @maomi who found it during a rogue google. i decided to take one for the team, spend my hard earned $1.36 CAD plus tax and read all 38 pages of this bowling themed “romance”?

we began the tale with an introduction to our hero Chad. the first thing we learn about Chad is that he is blessed with a very special penis. Chad’s dick apparently resembles a bowling pin in both shape and size - which means it’s 15 inches long? Chad claims I got 99 problems, but my pin ain’t one. and i’m like, i don’t know Chad, that sounds like a problem to me. if someone presented me with a 15” dick i would say “no thank you, sir. keep that monster to yourself.” now, i can only provide the perspective of a cis woman but we did secure the thoughts of a man to share: when asked his opinions on a 15” dick Mr @maggiebogo AKA @maggiebogoshubs replied “that sounds annoying. think about, like, buying jeans.” so i ask, Chad, how do you buy jeans??? but the bowling ladies seem to love it, no prob for them, Chad’s made the rounds of the league even though he is a shit bowler bc as the saying goes “either you’re good at bowling or you’re good at fucking”?!

once Chad is done regaling us with talk about his strange and massive cock we get down to the bowling. Chad is unfortunately in a bit of a dry spell, it’s been months since he bowled a strike. and to top things off, he just shattered his bowling ball! thankfully, his surrogate father, Daddy Hank Dickinbut - owner of Area 51 Cosmic Bowling, comes to his rescue and gifts him with a very special cherry red bowling ball named Betsy.

our girl Betsy is a babe from the 70s crafted from a meteorite! Chad takes the beautiful Betsy back to his humble abode, where she tells him (bc she talks, duh!) that she can make him a CHAMPION! but in exchange she asks that he fill her holes with, ofc, his bowling pin dick. you may be wondering how this could possibly work, i was as well - but obvs Betsy holes can grow to accommodate his massive size bc she’s fucking magic! i was then treated to the only sex in the whole 38 pages and it was brief, underwhelming and heavy on the bowling puns.

the rest of the story literally just details the State Championship match between ChadXBetsy and Chad’s ex Jessica “Juicy Puss” Lane. for 6 chapters nothing happens besides each competitor scoring a strike. then in Frame 7, Betsy delivers the devastating news that if they win she disappears bc of fucking stupid magic and shit. let me tell you, i was shook! not our girl Betsy! obvs Chad is going to throw the match to keep the love of his life, right? WRONG!

Chad, the world’s biggest fucking idiot, decides to sacrifice Betsy and win the match. what a fucking loser of a winner, am i right? now i didn’t cry bc i am a stoic bitch but this was fucking sad as shit!

Chad takes over Hank’s bowling but also gives up bowling forever. i would assume this is bc he’s back to being a shit bowler without Betsy but, you know, at least he still has his bowling pin dick or whatever.

an aside before we wrap up our review: a capital R Romance by definition ends with a HEA or, at the very least, an HFN. this book had neither. no one’s happy at the end except maybe Hank living in retirement? Chad’s not happy, Juicy Puss isn’t happy, Betsy is certainly not happy bc she’s fucking DEAD! and i, also, am unhappy! ☹️ 

we conclude with a teaser for a sequel where maybe Betsy will be back(!), discussion questions that you can share at your very own bowling league book club and a recommended menu of bevvies and snacks to accompany your reading experience.

i forgot to mention that the text on the cover is in fucking Comic Sans! the most offensive of fonts!

i would not recommend this book not bc it wasn’t good (though, it wasn’t) but bc it was fucking heartbreaking. 😭

if you are interested in sentient object romance i will offer an alternative recommendation. try a Holly Wilde or Vera Valentine, i’ve had much better experiences with their work.