pls find below a brief 853 words on Moby: A Whale Shifter Romance.

there is an exactly 0% chance that i could express my thoughts about this … novelette(?) while remaining spoiler-free. you’ve been warned - plentiful spoilers ahead.

we open the story with our main girl Darla (18F) on a boat. whale-watching to be specific, on her family’s annual Hawaiian vacay. Darla is a Sad Girl™️ because her mother is trying to marry her off to Leonardo, the son of family friends, and is also suggesting its time for her to start procreating. like, what? #BADMOM. #SADGIRL.

so Darla is all by her lonesome, being a Sad Girl™️ when we get our meet-cute - girl sees whale, girl talks to whale, whale thinks i must mate with her ripe, young human form. classic meet-cute scenario, amirite? luckily for our whale pal, Moby (M - age unknown), he has been cursed(?) with the ability to become human (for only 24 hrs?) so he will have the opportunity to pursue his painful lust for the ripe, young Darla.

it should be noted that whale-man Moby is very rapey and human Darla is very stupid, lacking in a sense of personal safety and also a virgin. did i mention she’s a virgin and she’s never been kissed? cause the book does. a whole bunch.

Darla meets naked Moby on the beach where she is intimidated by, and perhaps envious of, his World’s Largest™️ cock and balls. her stupid self agrees to wander off with this naked man, who is being totally creepy btw, because why not? after a brief chat in the ocean, they make their way to her hotel room where she does not consent to sexual activity. she just wants to cuddle; she doesn’t want to get naked but Moby doesn’t care bc he must mate her. all good though, bc after he sticks his finger in her butt (her second breach) she provides less than enthusiastic consent to him pounding his World’s Largest™️ cock into her Virginal Asshole™️, unprepped btw and bare! bc virginal Darla doesn’t have a condom and whale-man Moby doesn’t have a condom and anyway, they probably don’t make condoms big enough.

during this encounter Darla discovers her clitoris, experiences an earth-shattering orgasm and then proceeds to black out bc she has been so thoroughly fucked. oh no! Moby thinks she’s dead and he killed her. how will he possibly go on? don’t worry Daddy, your pretty baby is just fine. (have i not mentioned the Daddy-thing?)

Darla is torn away from Moby by familial obligations but that doesn’t last long because Moby flies into a jealous rage, challenging the pipsqueak Leonardo to a swimming contest. i wonder who wins? he then introduces himself to her parents as her mate.

Darla figures out that Moby is the whale she met bc how could she not - they have the same beautiful grey eyes, and he tells her all about his curse. and then they get back to fucking.

after more fucking, they go to cure Darla’s crippling anxiety around jet skis through immersion therapy. bc Darla has a Tragic Backstory™️ involving a jet ski crash where she almost lost her leg. they fuck on said jet ski in a little beach cove without life jackets! it should be noted that this whole time (except when they’re fucking) 7’ tall Moby is wandering around in some sort of skirt fashioned from two towels? bc he is Too Big™️ for just one.

but lo, Moby’s 24 hrs in human form have come to a close and the curse has not been broken. just after he turns back into a whale Darla utters the magical “i love you” moments too late. don’t worry - they summon the sea witch and their love convinces her to change him back. they ride off into the metaphorical sunset.

and they live happily ever after, in a house the whale-man built, with their two (i can only assume giant) children. the end.

the language choices are the cringiest i have ever read. i cringed no less than 116 times while reading.* i would get it more if the strange language was confined to his POV bc whale-man but our sweet virginal Darla says lots of weird stuff too. please find below a selection of some of the real winners found in this one:

repeated use of mate/mating, “spew”, “supple buns”, “secret crevice”, repeated use of “breach” for her holes (honestly, this one i get, in context), “my pucker”, “sweet juice from your front breach”, Moby’s use of “Jesus” in exclamation - i didn’t know whales subscribed to Christianity, repeated use of hole/holes, “turgid mast of flesh”, repeated use of the phrase “milky white” as a euphemism for semen, Darla’s repeated use of “tummy”, and so many more.

is this more recap than review? perhaps. but i think i’ve injected enough opinion to legally call it a review.

i will have to sample another shifter romance to find out if my problem was this book or the genre in general. i shall report back with the results.

thank you for coming to my TED talk.

*actual figure calculated for science.

well, this was a book i read.

so, we have 3 main players that i shall introduce:

1. Piper, 20 yrs old, virgin - waiting for marriage, TSTL
2. Marcus, age unknown and unimportant - younger than Galen i guess, Piper’s ex bc he got mad she wouldn’t put out
3. Daddy Galen, 36 yrs old, Marcus’ older brother, Piper’s stalker/kidnapper but only bc he loves her

we start with a break up. Marcus wants to fuck and calls Piper a tease bc she couldn’t possibly be wearing short-shorts for any other reason than to entice him (not like it’s the heat of summer). when she declines his advances and he gets mad, she says they’re done for good and knees him in the balls.

good for Piper but she is also a dumb bitch bc she left her phone at Marcus’ place and it’s started to rain and apparently the only businesses nearby where she could ask to use the phone are all bars where you can’t enter if you’re under 21? not to worry, mystery stalker stranger to the rescue with an umbrella to share even tho she’s already soaked through. Piper wanders off with this apparently giant man under the “safety” of his umbrella-ella-ella until they arrive at his door and he picks her up and hauls her inside. bc she’s incredibly fucking stupid, she’s like oooo, hot. and then she’s like, wait, whaaat? is this a kidnapping?

we (not Piper) find out that the mysterious giant stranger kidnapper is none other than Marcus’ older brother and he’s been stalking Piper for the last four months. he broke into her home and over the course of the book it is revealed that he did these things:

• set up a camera to observe if she was having sex with his brother (she wasn’t)
• read her diary and learned that she’s “saving herself” for marriage
• replaced her birth control pills with sugar pills
• stole her panties

but he only did these things bc he cares, ofc. no nefarious motives… except, you know, getting her pregnant with his spawn.

when Daddy Galen deposits Piper back on the floor, he immediately proceeds to violate her with his fingers but it’s okay bc she likes it. then he picks her up by his hold on her creamy cunt (actual quote) and carries her off to his bedroom. then they both get naked? and Galen admires Piper’s wide, child-bearing hips bc he has a one track mind and that track is making babies. they get in the shower and he fingers her to completion bc no sex until they’re married.

after their shower Galen brushes and braids Piper’s hair which actually seemed sort of sweet. (i think this book is brain washing me) and then Piper has this (actual quote) thought: Am I falling in love with this filthy-mouthed stranger? I think I am. fastest trip to Stockholm i ever did see. LMAO. 😭

in the morning Galen spills his spunk all over Piper’s bod and insists that she’s going to keep Daddy Galen’s cum rubbed into [her] until she comes home from school in the evening?!? no! i can’t abide by sticky. it gives me the majorist of icks. Piper gets dressed in a couple of garments from the entire women’s wardrobe Galen bought for her has just in case, and heads off to school after brekky.

so, Galen lets Piper go to school and hang with her friend/ex-roomate, Hael (bc she lives with Galen now?) and at the end of the day she just like, comes back to the home of her kidnapper?!? where he has arranged for a Justice of the Peace to marry them?!?

Galen tells Piper they’re getting married, tonight (i think this is literally 24 hrs from when they met?) and Piper says like “what? no way! i don’t even know you?!?” and i was like no shit! you don’t say! Galen will not take no for answer, sucks her tits until she comes and then asks again. and this dumb bitch says yes.

it’s wedding time and this is when all the secrets come out of hiding. bc Galen’s parents are invited to the wedding and Galen’s parents are also Marcus’ parents and guess what? they know Piper and Piper knows them. somehow nobody objects to their union and they are wed. Marcus and Galen fight, Hael tells Piper she’s fucking stupid (not in these words) and then Galen carries Piper off into the night upstairs so he can breed her. they fuck, Galen says the books title and then!!! he confesses all the dirty little stalkery secrets he’s been keeping.

there’s some consenual(?) somno, lots of references to Galen’s breeding kink and don’t forget that Piper still has classes to attend. but going to school is scary bc someone new is stalking Piper - Marcus. dw, Galen takes care of it but much as [Galen would] like to kill him, Ma would be upset so he can’t. darn.

they fuck some more and the book is over. except for the THREE epilogues. over three epilogues and fourteen years Galen and Piper have FIVE children, including one set of twins, and they reconcile with Marcus so he can be available to be the best uncle ever. he’s even in the delivery room for the birth of the twins.

and in case you were worried, 14 yrs of fucking and vaginal birth of 5 babies had exactly zero effect on sweet Piper’s cunt. her pussy is Still. Virgin. Tight. bc a tight pussy is the most important thing on God’s green Earth. i said it before and i’ll say it again - NORMALIZE POST-BIRTH PUSSY!!!

thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

all credit for bringing this strange story to my attention goes to @maomi who found it during a rogue google. i decided to take one for the team, spend my hard earned $1.36 CAD plus tax and read all 38 pages of this bowling themed “romance”?

we began the tale with an introduction to our hero Chad. the first thing we learn about Chad is that he is blessed with a very special penis. Chad’s dick apparently resembles a bowling pin in both shape and size - which means it’s 15 inches long? Chad claims I got 99 problems, but my pin ain’t one. and i’m like, i don’t know Chad, that sounds like a problem to me. if someone presented me with a 15” dick i would say “no thank you, sir. keep that monster to yourself.” now, i can only provide the perspective of a cis woman but we did secure the thoughts of a man to share: when asked his opinions on a 15” dick Mr @maggiebogo AKA @maggiebogoshubs replied “that sounds annoying. think about, like, buying jeans.” so i ask, Chad, how do you buy jeans??? but the bowling ladies seem to love it, no prob for them, Chad’s made the rounds of the league even though he is a shit bowler bc as the saying goes “either you’re good at bowling or you’re good at fucking”?!

once Chad is done regaling us with talk about his strange and massive cock we get down to the bowling. Chad is unfortunately in a bit of a dry spell, it’s been months since he bowled a strike. and to top things off, he just shattered his bowling ball! thankfully, his surrogate father, Daddy Hank Dickinbut - owner of Area 51 Cosmic Bowling, comes to his rescue and gifts him with a very special cherry red bowling ball named Betsy.

our girl Betsy is a babe from the 70s crafted from a meteorite! Chad takes the beautiful Betsy back to his humble abode, where she tells him (bc she talks, duh!) that she can make him a CHAMPION! but in exchange she asks that he fill her holes with, ofc, his bowling pin dick. you may be wondering how this could possibly work, i was as well - but obvs Betsy holes can grow to accommodate his massive size bc she’s fucking magic! i was then treated to the only sex in the whole 38 pages and it was brief, underwhelming and heavy on the bowling puns.

the rest of the story literally just details the State Championship match between ChadXBetsy and Chad’s ex Jessica “Juicy Puss” Lane. for 6 chapters nothing happens besides each competitor scoring a strike. then in Frame 7, Betsy delivers the devastating news that if they win she disappears bc of fucking stupid magic and shit. let me tell you, i was shook! not our girl Betsy! obvs Chad is going to throw the match to keep the love of his life, right? WRONG!

Chad, the world’s biggest fucking idiot, decides to sacrifice Betsy and win the match. what a fucking loser of a winner, am i right? now i didn’t cry bc i am a stoic bitch but this was fucking sad as shit!

Chad takes over Hank’s bowling but also gives up bowling forever. i would assume this is bc he’s back to being a shit bowler without Betsy but, you know, at least he still has his bowling pin dick or whatever.

an aside before we wrap up our review: a capital R Romance by definition ends with a HEA or, at the very least, an HFN. this book had neither. no one’s happy at the end except maybe Hank living in retirement? Chad’s not happy, Juicy Puss isn’t happy, Betsy is certainly not happy bc she’s fucking DEAD! and i, also, am unhappy! ☹️ 

we conclude with a teaser for a sequel where maybe Betsy will be back(!), discussion questions that you can share at your very own bowling league book club and a recommended menu of bevvies and snacks to accompany your reading experience.

i forgot to mention that the text on the cover is in fucking Comic Sans! the most offensive of fonts!

i would not recommend this book not bc it wasn’t good (though, it wasn’t) but bc it was fucking heartbreaking. 😭

if you are interested in sentient object romance i will offer an alternative recommendation. try a Holly Wilde or Vera Valentine, i’ve had much better experiences with their work.