the sleeping beauty retelling I had been waiting for.

tw: suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts

this story is prompting me to be vulnerable about something I do not have the strength to talk about irl. writing about it has always been easier. I always felt like it was a fact that I would kll myself. I even remember at the age of 8 or 9 thinking that ending my life would be the sweetest release from my suffocating life. I was stuck in a religion I did not see an out of. I could never imagine leaving the church I was raised in. I could see myself following the footsteps of my parents, being worked to the bone to pay my way into heaven. my body being used as another piece of cattle to help a heavenly army. and I hated it. I knew I didn’t want children, I knew I didn’t want to be married by 20, I knew the church’s rules were hypocritical, nonsensical, and prepared to keep me captive until I died. and the church is honestly only 25% of it. my family is a whole other story. the upbringing was horrible. we had to lie to everyone about everything. everyone still thinks my parents are a godly wonder. I never thought I could leave, but, I had a plan. I wanted to die by the time I was 30. maybe I thought it was romantic when I was 13. young, but old enough to give myself time. I could do the things the church wanted, I could keep my family happy, and maybe i’d even grow to like it. maybe I wouldn’t have to kll myself. but I gave myself a deadline. I needed to either find the strength to leave, or I could die.

I finished this book exactly four weeks before I turn 30. my birthday is september 26. I am a disappointment to my parents, my leaving of the church is something they toil and wrestle with, I will never forget the words they have said to me. they wanted nothing more than for me to be perfect for god so we can live in heaven together. that perfect included so many rules and stipulations, it literally tore me apart so badly that I was confident the only way I could survive was if I died.

I still have so many unhappy days. I don’t think I will never beat depression. but I am no longer suffocating. I do not feel guilty for any decisions I make bc I am making them for myself. I have been so scared to be 30. it was always a ticking clock that I assumed would end with a lot of blood. I don’t think it has to now. I have someone who loves me for me and not for what I present. I do not lie or act fake to make people happy anymore. I feel a responsibility to stay alive bc I feel actual love and not just conditional love.

this book is nearly perfect to me. it is not lost on me the irony of finishing it right before I turn 30. I needed that final line more than anything in this world (forget about the epilogues). I felt hopeless for so long. I used horrible people to help me out of a situation that would have ended my whole life. I worked my ass off to keep as little contact as possible with my parents. I am so grateful to not need them or their approval anymore. I still have nightmares all the time. all the time. but, I am able to wake up out of them every-time now.

no notes!!! five stars!!!! put lydia into the eldest daughter hall of fame!! this book is so romantic!! yearning!! unrequited love!!! mean fairies!!! romantasy of my dreams!

actually ripped my heart out, broke it into two, smashed it into pieces, pasted all the pieces right back together, and then immediately broke it all over again but this time happily?? 😭😭😭😭