Part of this is building off one of my previous posts about Burke's craft work at the beginning of the book, so I'm going to link to that post here for reference. There have been other craft elements between these two posts obviously, but this is already a lot of typing and I'm lazy haha (Hi, this is future me 2 hours later after writing all of this out laughing at myself for calling myself lazy. I did not realize this was going to turn into a massive essay at the time, but I don't know how to TL;DR this whole thing... I'm sorry.)
I'm not going to do a full quote again, but for my eBook I'm referencing pages 74-77 (out of 342 pages) for this post.
Dating Timeline
First date at a coffee shop: She tells Caleb about her "dead" dad - She has told everyone this lie since she was 10 years old, so it make sense that she would continue to lie here but I can't shake the idea that literally from the start she is lying to him about herself knowing they eventually get married. On this date, she also talks about how she wants to leave the city after college and: "I want a farm. With chickens. I want to live near my mother. I want a view of the mountains from my bedroom window, and I'd like to study theology. Part-time, of course, and only after the children are grown." (I'll circle back to the chicken comment in a bit.)
Then, when she asks him what he wants "'I don't know.' He shrugged, stared thoughtfully past me. 'What you said sounds nice.' ... I don't think I need to explain my thoughts here... this dude sucks!
Second Date at a fancy $80/plate Italian restaurant:
Caleb: "I've been thinking about that farm nonstop since we met. ... The one you want. With the chickens. And the mountains? ... You could teach me everything you know, and I'm--well. I'm a quick learner." So much to unpack here, one: what do you mean when you first met? You mean your first date, right bro? Two: I can't help but think this is a huuuuuge wealth flex, maybe he is just so wealthy that this is a normal restaurant he attends, but it feels like a major leap imo. Three: Her lies have already worked on him, he believes that she already has the experience and knowledge of running a farm because of how she is presenting herself/this dream. Four: He has already inserted himself into her dream. Which in my mind jumps back to the fancy restaurant as a form of manipulation, but technically I don't have evidence for that.
Then, she realizes he is clearly waiting for an answer and thinks: "Relax, I told myself. This is just a moment. It doesn't really matter. here is what did matter: he was young and handsome and wealthy. Most important of all: he liked me. Really liked me. He said I was fascinating and funny and beautiful. No one had ever thought I was any of those things. I'd spent my whole life alone, floating like a specter at the far edges of elementary school friendships, then glaring at the huddled cliques I walked past in middle school, then openly denouncing them in high school. And here, suddenly, was a fundamentally likable person, somehow liking me. Is it a choice, if there's only one option?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. I leaned across the table and pressed my hand over His. Sorry I mean his. Caleb's."
Put a pin this is, it gets its own section, but I want to finish the dating timeline first.
Third Date: Here is the entire description of the third date "On the third date, we discussed marriage." That's all.
Fourth Date at undisclosed location: "Caleb stood stock-still as I leaned forward and pressed my lips, just barely, to his. I felt his heartbeat vibrating through my mouth. The kiss was dry. It lasted for a second. As I pulled away, I found myself imagining his tongue, the size of it. A shiver ran through me. Caleb touched my arm. "You have goose bumps." He looked awestruck that he was capable of having that effect on me. I didn't know what to so. I felt the heat rising off my face like steam. I'd never understood what it felt like to want."
Engagement: Then we get a "time jump" to their engagement weekend. This is when I realized that we have no true timeline on their relationship (yet at least unless I missed it). But I think it's fair to say, they moved fast which she disclosed earlier is common in her religion.
Doctrine
Before I get into this, I should probably disclose that I was raised Evangelical Christian, but deconstructed over the past 2 decades. I'm not making any accusations about Christians as whole here or any other religion tbh, just wanted to share some of my experience growing up in a similar environment to Natalie. Back in chapter 6 she thinks to herself The Baptist girl thinks, so I'm assuming that's the religion she was raised in even though everyone else makes assumptions about her religion. I was also raised under a Baptist "branch" and so when she dropped the doctrine immediately - this was not surprising to me. She is quoting the New Living Translation version of Proverbs 3: 5-6, this translation of the bible has become really popular amongst Evangelical Baptist (EB) churches.
This is a bit of a tangent, you can skip to "back to the scripture" in bold if you want but I wanted to share some context if you aren't familiar with Evangelicals and their views on scripture: It's not exclusive to EBs by any means, but memorizing bible verses is huge for EBs in my experience. I was raised to believe every single thing written in the bible was gospel (pun intended), everything happened exactly as described. (Like the world was literally created in 7 days and since dinosaurs aren't in the bible, so they don't exist) We even had a thing called AWANAs (Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed - also from a bible verse) it's kinda like an extra Sunday School that meets during the week. We had some lessons and games, but the biggest thing I remember from AWANAs was memorizing bible verses. We would go through workbooks memorizing as many verses as possible and once we memorized X number of them, we were awarded with badges to put on a vest (similar to boy/girls scouts if you are familiar with those) and other prizes including "AWANA bucks" to buy (cheap) toys from the "AWANAs store". I haven't watched this in a while (and don't want to re-watch it because I don't want any songs/pledges stuck in my head and I think she has some in here, so if you went to AWANAs consider this your warning), but here is a link to a YouTube video explaining AWANAs in more detail by Ex-Fundie Diaries "Christian Nationalist Child Indoctrination Cult" she also has some content warnings listed right at the start as a heads up.
Okay, back to the scripture she dropped. I found this incredibly telling because here she is on her second date with the only person who has ever shown interest in her (or so she believes) and instead of being swept off her feet, we see her be distracted or confused multiple times on this date. As he's talking she thinking about whether or not she likes the taste of truffle or hates it and she doesn't even remember what farm he is talking about. And here he is, buying her probably the most expensive meal of her life (she has referenced that she grew up rather poor) AND he is already talking about lifelong commitments. Also - RUNNING A FARM IS A LOT OF FUCKING WORK! Like, yes obviously marriage is a huge commitment, but running a farm is a whoooooooole other level of commitment imo. AND he is expecting HER to not only know how to run all aspects of a farm BUT TEACH HIM. (God, I hate him so much already.)
Clearly, she is not on the same page as him in this moment, but she has been indoctrinated (literally) to put her full faith in God, even when her gut/instinct is questioning something. I promise I won't go into another tangent, but this indoctrination is very intentional in EB churches imo. They do not want you questioning anything - like if you would have confronted me as a child with a dinosaur fossil I literally would have told you that God planted those there to see if you were a true believer or some shit like that instead of questioning it.
This immediately flows into "I pressed my hand over His. Sorry, I mean his. Caleb's." My god am I SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY I got a physical copy of this book because this is GOLD!! In this moment of doubt, she reminds herself she must put her full faith in God and so - she does it so well that she, in her own head, uses a "Divine pronoun" (idk of that's a thing, but I'm making it a thing here). Again, I won't go on another tangent, but just trust me that some EBs have "biblical evidence" that a husband is a stand-in for God. As soon as she makes the connection that she in theory might marry this man, she accidentally deifies him. I also think the "step down" clarification is incredibly interesting.
Devastation
Hi. It's me. I'm devastated for her. Yes, I know she is an unlikable character, but my heart breaks for her throughout the second date. She goes from impressed with his wealth -> questioning if she likes truffles or hates them (this is bigger than "just truffles") -> confused/distracted -> realizing this is a big moment and it scares her -> remembers he is rich and handsome -> remembers how lonely she has been her entire life -> realizing he is the only person who has EVER shown interest in her ->
"Is it a choice, if there's only one option?**
Yeah, so I'm firmly of the belief that is one of core arguments this book is trying to make even though I haven't read any further than this yet. I have purposefully avoided discussions about this book, but I would not be surprised if some people are upset/offended at how her religious beliefs are depicted in this book. But I think Burke is making it clear, Burke doesn't think Natalie's religion or faith is stupid, this book is a critique on the doctrine that gets weaponized against women in particular.
Also, I'm terrible at grammar but I'm 99% positive that comma doesn't have to be there and I'm running on that being true. It seems obvious now, but this sentence finally made something click, in the first post referenced above, I couldn't figure out why the blurb had "My name was Natalie Heller Mills" when the book opened with "My name is Natalie Heller Mills". This is literally a time-traveling book, I shouldn't play by the "time is linear" rules - so I think this is older Natalie recalling her life/relationship and if so she is admitting that this WASN'T technically her choice, she was coerced or at least trapped.
Ngl, this kinda broke something in me, because I have always argued that as a feminist, I just want women to be able to choose their path whether that's marriage, motherhood, full-time careers outside the home, being a homemaker, but now I think this ties into that core argument -> is the "correct" feminist position to say that she had a choice in this? I don't have an answer for this right now (I would LOVE to hear y'alls thoughts on this), because I really need to think about it. Idk why this feels huge to me, but it does.
Cause if you like, then you should've put a ring on it
So then we jump to their engagement weekend and Natalie is talking to her mother about the HUGE 4 carat engagement ring and how it's "too big". I'll give the full quote here for context.
"She gave me a look of approval. That was the way women operated in my community: if you wanted to be a wealthy Christian woman and maintain good standing, you needed to publicly disavow your luxuries in order to maintain possession of them. It was a strange tug-and-pull I'd borne witness to my entire life. The only surprise was that it was finally happening to me. I was becoming the kind of woman other women were jealous of. Each time I looked at the ring, I felt an intoxicating combination of embarrassment and glee. It was a rich, decadent piece of jewelry. If I looked at it for too long, I started to feel sick. It was too much, it was a shameful display of wealth, I should give it back and demand me find something smaller, and also: I'd launch a holy war before I parted with it.
As for Caleb, he insisted it was a perfect diamond for a woman like me. I was a flawless woman, he said. A timeless piece of decoration."
This post is already incredibly long, so I'm not going to break down all of that first paragraph except that holy war line was chef's kiss, but I do want to break down that last paragraph.
She's perfect like a diamond -> One: y'all just met. Two: She knows and we know, she literally lied to him on THEIR ONLY OTHER DATE!! (also I will fucking DIE if we find out later that the diamond is a fake)
Flawless -> circling back to that post I referenced when she was describing herself "A flawless Christian woman". Cool, so instead of "being transformed into His own image" (bible verse reference) she has transformed into his (intentionally lower case) image of her. Also notice we are using was again, I take this to mean older Natalie doesn't view herself as perfect or flawless.
And the most devastating line A timeless piece of decoration. Yes, technically, we are talking about the engagement ring BUT NO WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING!! I know it's a bit of a stretch, but the perfect like a diamond thing already makes me think he is objectifying her LITERALLY - reducing her down to an object, but this final line brings that idea home for me. I don't know where the story goes, but I could see him treating her like a decoration i.e., arm candy on his political career circuit. But also, I think this is highlighting her job as an influencer - We know how smart she is both in the full ride to Harvard sense, but also, she does make savvy moves with her influencing/social media content, but her audience doesn't care how smart she is, they only care about what she has to offer them - things for them consume, literally or figuratively.
Look at all those chickens!
When I made the first post, I had no idea the chickens were going to circle back around let alone in such a devastating way. Because what do you MEAN the chickens were her literal actual dream from the beginning?! It's literally the second thing she said she wanted and now it makes SO MUCH SENSE why she said she "loved our chickens" in the past tense at the very beginning. If I'm right about this being the older Natalie reflecting back, this line is so subtly devastating - this tradwife life literally destroys everything she ever loved. I would say including herself, but honestly, it doesn't sound like she loves herself very much so far at least.
Thank you for giving me space to talk all this out. I think this book will either psychologically break me OR it's going to become my personality. I know I didn't really ask open ended questions in this, but I would love to hear y'all's thoughts and interpretations on this chapter/their dating and engagement!
