i loved convenience store woman so immediately after reading that, i added this one to my tbr, expecting something similar. and it was, for the most part. until that last chapter. i've always loved cannibalism as a concept in the media and art i consume, but i did not expect to find it in this story! a pleasant surprise hehe

honestly, i really loved this book. from my admittedly limited readings of japanese literature, the prose tends to be more straightforward and direct - and i feel like that really worked in its favour. the narrator natsuki is very much autistic and asexual coded, similar to convenience store woman so that kind of writing emphasised that. her inability to connect with others and the choices they make were so relatable even as someone who perceives it in a more understanding light and there were many quotes that i highlighted that hit a little too close to home.

i have so much sympathy for her because we see time and time again throughout the story how various people fail her. her family, for starters, are the biggest offenders. mistreating her from the start simply because they couldn't understand her and making no moves to even try to, discrediting and disbelieving her when she tried to open up about being SA'd, not even deigning to have a conversation when they find their 11 year old child (if i remember correctly) having "sex" near her grandfather's grave. at no point did they have the appropriate reaction and instead just shunned and rejected her. a realistic depiction of how lots of neurodivergents struggle for their condition to even be acknowledged in the first place, let alone treated. failing them then admonishing them when they don't act as expected.

i don't know whether i'm any kind of neurodivergent but as someone who isn't dying to get married and doesn't want kids, i could empathise with natsuki; "my body was not my own. i had always been shirking the role i had been assigned as a tool of society."

and the fact that yuu was treating natsuki with disdain when they first met each other after all those years, but spoke to her husband as an actual person :// i understand that they have history that might evoke confusing emotions, but that coupled with the fact that he so easily decided to join them when tomoya was leading that discussion... i'm not sure if the author intended this or if i'm deeping it, but it makes you wonder if he was more recipient to the message because it came from another man.

the ending is very jarring and unsettling, but the joy natsuki felt when she was free from the shackles of normalcy and society for a few days... it was palpable. i don't even blame her for any of the murders because they were all self-defence in my eyes.

anyways, that joy she and the other two felt? i hope we all get to feel that one day.