Sometimes you have a hard time writing a review because you had so many thoughts along the journey that how can you possibly remember them all AND condense it into a single review? Add in that I read this over a couple of months and am trying not to write a novel for my reviews and I'm in a pickle.

Let's start with what's easy: this book is highly readable, weaving in interviews and personal stories along with the research and deep dives into societal structures, assumptions, and the intersection of asexuality with feminism, racism, and ableism. My minor gripe is that I, personally, didn't feel that I benefitted as much from the dive into the second part on ace intersectionality. It was great to get some nudges towards how asexuality intersects with gender, race, and disability, but the topics Chen explored are ones that I have done a lot of my own reading, researching, and thinking on. And so I got comparatively less out of that section. I think it's great to have it in the book, even if I had hoped for more personal stories.

Which brings me to where I think the book shines. The number of people Chen spoke with and the range of ace experiences was a gem. It's great to read about the ways in which people experience (or don't experience) desire, but it all feels a bit academic until we get to the people. The people are what made it all click: oh that's how it may look for someone. I love that these stories helped me understand the variety, breadth, and depth of the spectrum. What's in this book is by no means all encompassing, but it was a good start. It helped me along my path of changing the way I look at relationships, desire, and sex and for that I am eternally grateful.

I highly recommend this to anyone. Certainly if you're exploring your own sexuality and questioning the norms you've been taught. But it's really for everyone. There's so much to learn about your fellow humans and this pushes you to understanding and empathy to a wider variety of people. Plus there's the benefit of diving into how compulsory sexuality permeates almost every aspect of our society.

I'll end with a quote that sums up a lot of this for me: “It seems that the message is ‘we have liberated our sexuality, therefore we must now celebrate it and have as much sex as we want,’” says Jo, an ace policy worker in Australia. “Except ‘as much sex as we want’ is always lots of sex and not no sex, because then we are oppressed, or possibly repressed, and we’re either not being our true authentic selves, or we haven’t discovered this crucial side of ourselves that is our sexuality in relation to other people, or we haven’t grown up properly or awakened yet.”

this made me miss every single close female friend i've ever had. i love them so much and i love how those bonds were the highlight of the story. there's romance, certainly, but it's not the star of the show nor did i want it to be.

both our characters have their own lovely arcs, but astrid's had me in a chokehold. to have been raised knowing you were almost certainly going to die in a duel for resources your country desperately needs? to see the tenderness and care she embodies anyway? i swoon. it's right there in my profile - trying to love being soft in a hard world and astrid was a window to my soul. she could have been so bitter, resentful, and closed off but she opens herself anyway and cares fully.

that's all i've got in me after this: the surety of the love i have for my friends and the tenderness and vulnerability that it takes to get those soul deep friendships 🥹

well i injected this straight into my veins on this plane ride. my heart soared, i laughed, i fumed, i cried, i healed. not sorry to anyone witnessing that; i have no notes.

HARD recommend the audiobook. the singing and water sounds really made it such a lovely reading experience.