I think Polly Barton actually wrote this book specifically for me. 😌😌

I got What Am I, A Deer? from Book of the Month’s collection The Offset, the tagline for which is “Not for everyone. That’s the point.” With its experimental grammar, philosophy-laced passages, absence of chapters, meandering yet poignant loquacity, uncomfortably familiar existentialism, and shameless stream-of-consciousness, Barton’s debut novel is like literary olives or blue cheese: certainly not for everyone, but damn do I love olives and blue cheese.

This is a no-plot-just-vibes book, a foray into a ”vertiginous subconscious realm” (p71) where you may find inscrutable parts of yourself excavated. What does it mean to be real, to feel things? Who am I? Where do I belong? I savored every one of the 240 pages of meditations on existence, experience, obsession, heteronormativity, identity, heritage, translation, meaning, and relationships. Ultimately, I felt this novel was a tribute to being — and actually feeling — alive. The themes are the plot, and executed in such a way that there is still a sense of the narrative arc.

Karaoke is a central aspect of the book, bolstered by the lyrics interlaced throughout the narrative. The author’s fearlessness with format was a delight to read. This is a book that simultaneously stands on its own and is imbued with references; even the title is a reference, which does not go unexplained within the story, but which inherits richness if you have seen the video it comes from. I kept thinking of this iconic clip of Lady Gaga: “unafraid to reference or not reference”. That’s this book. A unique treat, even for the weird girl litfic aficionado.

This novel is an olive stuffed with blue cheese, and I ate the whole jar.

Possibly THE feminine rage book of the year for me! If you hate the patriarchy, you may LOVE this book too!

I'm not putting a star rating on this because I want to come back and do my usual full review after a re-read, but I'll say that this book is pretty close to a 5 star for me! I'll come back to edit this review once I get around to re-reading it, but I also wanted to capture a few things from my first read through.

I listened to this as an audiobook and even though the narrators did a great job, I ended up restarting this book a couple of times because I felt lost. Then somewhere around the 60% mark EVERYTHING CLICKED. I literally was pausing the audiobook every few seconds for almost a capture so I could put all of the quotes into my notes since I wasn't sure if I was going to buy the book (It's VERY rare for me to buy a new book, full price and I ended up doing BOTH because of how much I loved it).

Once everything clicked and I realized how much symbolism was woven into this book I knew I needed to go back and re-read this!! There was so much female rage in this book that it was equally delicious and infuriating. There are also a lot of religious symbolism and how organized religion is intertwined with the patriarchy, but I don't think I can do it any justice on a first listen through.