I’m not sure exactly how to word my thoughts on this movement, so please take this with a grain of salt, as all drafts should be.

There is something in these last two chapters of this movement that has really spoken to me. I think it boils down to the ideas of shame and belonging? I’m unable to pinpoint them exactly, but those two words feel closest.

We all know that the author has built up this shame relating to the yellow house, especially as it has fallen into such disarray during her childhood. Not being allowed to have people over, the constant barrage of creatures from the outside in, and the general decomposition of everything inside have put a strain on not only her relationship to the house, but to her family and to the place that raised her. It makes it easy for her, as she has described, to split her life into two different ones: that of Sarah and that of Monique. But being split in two like that makes it so you don’t really belong anywhere, as there’s always a part of you that resides somewhere else.

But reading Ivory Mae’s words right at the end of the movement just bring a sadness. That house was her child, as the author even explicitly said earlier on in the book. She cared about it so much, and yet it faded away. It almost expresses a type of failure. The house belonged to her and she it, and it to her children and them it, and yet the house belonged to itself in the end, no matter what any of them did, or didn’t do. Maybe the sadness I am feeling is supported by the dread of knowing what will come next, but even then, even if the water didn’t come, the fate of the house would be the same.

As I said before, I’m not sure that this is the final commentary I want to commit to for this moment in the book. In spite of this, these last two chapters made me cry like a baby. I don’t know exactly why, but I feel deeply for this moment.

‘Walking home from school, I try not to see what is right in front of my face. Sometimes when I want the world to go blurry again, I remove my glasses when passing by these scenes.’

I think this might be resonating more with me today because I just new glasses. I remember feeling like this though as a kid. Trying not to see, or hear, as if I wouldn’t be in danger of something if I just didn’t know about it.

I’m reminded both that we’re shaped by where we grow up, even when we try not to be, not to see it and also of the huge effort that it takes to create normalcy. For herself here as a kid but also what her Mum was trying to do for the whole family in keeping the Yellow House so meticulously clean and well decorated, even as it was unfinished.

I hope this is a good forum for this???

I have collected a lot of various books over the years. I am very cognizant about researching authors and publishing companies before I purchase any books. However, I have a small collection of books in a corner of shame on my bookshelf from authors who later on came out as problematic (or in a certain set of files), free books I picked up on the side of the road or in free little libraries I later regret picking up after researching, or gifted/inherited books I again later research and opt not to read.

My question is I feel icky about throwing book away/burning them. I also don't want to spread misinformation or support for problematic authors by donating them. My question is what would be the most ethical way to dispose of these books? donate to the library? hide them away in a box in my attic?

Just in case anyone missed it!!! Look at how pretty oh man