"It was a big, big house, and I'd been a weird, weird kid." (Hell Is a World Without You, Jason Kirk)

"'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity / and I've been locked inside that house / all the while you hold the key / and I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me" ("Be My Escape," Relient K)

Who I am hates who I've been, am I right?

The most surreal thing I've ever read. I've been out of this (environment, lifestyle, cult) for 15+ years. I've read a lot of terrible Christian propaganda and relatable ex-Christian memoirs and thoughtful explorations of deconstruction and incisive histories of the evangelical movement but I've never read anything like this or felt so thoroughly and painfully exposed before. I know these people, most of them intimately. As Jekyll knows Hyde. If you know what I mean. The rest of them I'm at least acquainted with, now or in a previous life. Family reunion, Internal Family Systems style. The things these characters experience and the things I experienced in this universe were not always 100% identical — being homeschooled meant I never S[aw] You at the Pole, etc — yet our experiences were somehow still 100% identical.

This is not necessarily my typical fare. Under normal circumstances it's a pretty solid bet that spelling out a great deal of post-y2k aim dialogue ("kk"), not to mention the insane in-group lingo native to evangelicals and especially this quantity of "pop-culture" references (quote marks used intentionally here because lol, let's not delude ourselves into thinking any of this was part of popular culture, lol, however, we made our own culture — completely derivative and at least 10 years behind everyone else, sure, but we took what we could get, ok), would be a near-instant turnoff to me, but Jason Kirk had me in a chokehold here. Or a trance? (Wait, are trances satanic? REGRET.) It was just...I have never seen this part (part??? It was so all-encompassing at the time) of my own self represented like this, and not only accurately but empathetically. And the only way someone could possibly relate what it was actually like with this depth of understanding is if they lived the same thing. But living this way, in an emotional and intellectual panopticon designed to prevent any life experience that could hint at another possible way of being, makes you feel so profoundly alone. And that feeling, like everything else in this mass fever-dream environment, was an illusion.

I am likely feeling even more emotional about this book since I just returned from visiting my family, most of whom are still overwhelmingly religious, in Ohio. I psyched myself up for this trip by listening to "Mrs. Hippopotamuses'" on a loop for several days. There's nothing better than knowing where you come from. Now that I'm back, I'm psychologically recovering with the aid of the rest of Relient K's discography (and considerable amounts of wine). (This is not the only band I consider "comfort music," but it's the one that's been with me the longest, certainly through everything this book represents to me. Actually I think of myself and this band as having grown up together.) While I was there, though, I was hurled backwards in time by the suffocating omnipresence of religious influence. The fear of hearing one's own still small voice, and the extraordinary lengths we took to ensure there was no chance for that voice to speak. Lean not on your own understanding! Every available surface of my parents' home is covered in bible verses and platitudes about Jesus, church, heaven, and family dysfunction (not a joke). Every moment for conversation in the car is drowned out by syndicated mass-produced evangelical radio. I was there for three and a half days and felt like I was losing my mind. No breathing room or blank space to just think my own thoughts. I have been back to Ohio many times after leaving, but never before accompanied by someone who loves me and who wanted to understand. He still doesn't understand, how could he, but he's closer to understanding than he was before.

Anyway, now I'm crying. Why am I crying?

Already purchased a copy.

BONUS EXVANGELICAL RECOMMENDATIONS: — 🎬 THE GREAT SATAN (2018, link): I had the pleasure of seeing a screening of this on Everything Is Terrible's live tour but if you missed it, it's available on dvd for the hilarious price of $16.66 (and also streaming). Do it — STRONGWILLED BY KRISPIN & DL MAYFIELD (link): podcast and beyond focusing on the personal and political impacts of Religious Authoritarian Parenting