this review is extremely personal and includes discussion of suicidality, self-harm, and eating disorders. i will add, though, 2 things: 1: it feels disorienting to add content warnings to my own lived experiences. 2: i’m not sharing all of this just for kicks. i’m extremely private with most people. but Clancy Martin does an incredible job in this book of starting an open, honest conversation about suicidality, and i wish to follow that example. plus, while i only began to believe this recently, it really does help the mind to share your burdens and heavy thoughts with others sometimes. “the truth sets you free” and all that.

“All the skeletons you hide/Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine”- Phoebe Bridgers, ‘Savior Complex’

my first suicide attempt happened when i was 13 years old.

(funny, how i say “happened” like it’s something that i didn’t have any agency over. let’s restart.)

i first attempted suicide when i was 13 years old. after that, i don’t remember how many times i attempted it. most likely over 5, possibly over 10. i just truly don’t remember (during much of this same time period, i was also in the throes of self-harm + what was very likely undiagnosed anorexia, so admittedly the specific number has faded into the fog).

this is all to say, i relate a lot to Martin throughout this book. he and i both have dealt with suicidal thoughts from a young age, which either isn’t common or is very rarely discussed. either way, it helps to read a book by someone who feels like he gets it.

in my experience, during that time period i described earlier, i was able to keep up a good public appearance out of pure desperation. and good things did happen during that time (getting to play drums in front of a crowd in a show my music teacher put together, for one. admittedly i don’t remember a ton of other things i was fully happy about). but there’s also the things that i don’t like knowing i did (multiple rounds of stealing disposable razors from my mom. my vision blacking out every time i stood up due to how little i was eating, and the fact that i wanted that to continue. letting my bedroom carpet get matted to the point of never recovering, because for months i couldn’t gather the willpower and energy to vacuum it. at the end of a day, it was all i could do to walk to my bed instead of just laying down on that disgusting-ass carpet, because i was too exhausted and depressed to walk those last few steps).

Martin offers some really, really useful advice in this book (+ just in general, it’s a great book. i know this review has been all me, me, me, but it’s so good. go read it please), my personal favorite being the method of just waiting out the suicidal feelings by being like “i can always kill myself tomorrow”. i like that a lot, as grim as it probably sounds.

there’s an Anthony Bourdain quote i really, really like that goes like this: “I should’ve died in my 20s. I became successful in my 40s. I became a dad in my 50s. I feel like I’ve stolen a car –a really nice car– and I keep looking in the rearview mirror for flashing lights. But there’s been nothing yet." weirdly, i relate to this a lot (while on a very different time-frame and with different events). i’ll turn 21 close to the end of this year, and that is an age that, for years, i didn’t believe i would live to. every birthday feels surreal to me now. maybe that feeling will fade eventually, but every time i get a little older, it feels strange to still be alive. which is a feeling Martin discusses at the end of this book.

it would be really nice to get to wrap up this review with “well that was then, but i’m all better now!”, but that would also be a lie (it would also be a lie to say nothing has improved). i haven’t attempted in about 3 years or so. i still think about food and what i eat probably a little too much, but those thoughts feel much more manageable. there’s still nights where i yearn for death a bit and just have to distract myself until the feeling leaves, but the improvement lies in the fact that i try to distract myself now. and maybe that’s what life is really all about. slow improvement, sometimes setbacks, but nothing is perfect. we’re all only human, trying to cope as best we can.

4.5
i have questions

This volume had such unique panels and the room designs as the characters walk through a dream-like area was so cool to see!! more insight into Shion and Waka’s relationship and what led Shion to (essentially) sacrifice herself. The robo talking cats throughout the series are always a highlight new ones showing up every few pages😭🐈‍⬛ 🐈

Also more explanations about the gods i’m starting to understand how they each have specific traits or goals like the plague type one only accepts sickly followers and dissolves those with a strong immune system. Alura the one inhabiting Waka seems to be feeding into peoples addictions and had an obsession with Shion… not sure what larger ideas surround the snake god yet but his character is so funny too but also the part about the gods having the minds or at least temperaments of children makes a lot of sense with him😭😭

really wish i could share some of the art on here but i understand why that would be risky to allow on the app

There is so much happening, but I like a good way lol