The Bee Movie porn parody we never knew we needed (because we don’t need it)

Proceed with caution; this review includes some NSFW quotes and spoilers.

So I read some bee smut. This bee smut concerns Barry Baryx, an alien shapeshifting bee who comes to Earth to find the perfect female human specimen and then, in his own words, ”infiltrate the female's uterus [and] harvest the fertilized embryo”. (I’m not joking—I would never joke about bee sex.)

Baryx buzzes on over to the Big Apple, where he meets Vanessa Jennessa, a struggling florist in dire need of therapy, and Ken Kent, her low-down no-good cheating-ass boyfriend. Kent tries to kill Baryx. Jenessa rescues the bee, scolds Kent, and takes Baryx home, feeling some happy fuzzies in her belly:

Some odd feeling, almost like arousal, vibrates throughout my body. Maybe it’s because I finally feel like I’m doing something good. Could saving a bee’s life make me horny?

Once in her studio apartment, Jennessa is so abuzz with horny energy that she, um, self-pollinates. In front of the bee. This gets Baryx hot and he does some self-pollinating of his own, if you catch my drift.

"But how does a bee jerk it?" you may ask. Like this: Before I know what I’m doing, my stinger is in my hand, and I’m stroking myself slowly. Drips of my honey fall from my tip.

"But that’s not how bees work!" you may protest. Well…

Baryx eventually reveals himself to Jennessa as a shapeshifting alien and takes up residence in her apartment. His other, non-bee form is essentially humanoid, but covered in yellow-and-black fuzz with a retractable, um, stinger. But ohohoho, don’t you worry. They still do it while he’s in bee form.

Jennessa is actually delightfully messy: I plan to get out one fuck and then send him on his way to pollinate the Earth or whatever crap he was talking about. Once he leaves, I’ll be very much alone again, with no friends. Not even a pet. Maybe I should just get a cat and stop being a little bitch. My imaginary therapist would tell me as much. Except I don’t think she’d recommend I bang the alien man. I don’t think anyone would really.

So he gives her his pollen, they listen to some jazz, declare their undying love, and Baryx’s alien friends fix climate change with their magic plant-healing jizz. Jenessa’s life is ”better than anything I could have dreamed of, and all because I wanted to fuck a bee.”

Beautiful. I would have rated it higher for the bee puns alone (bonus points for one of the minor bee characters meeting his girlfriend on Bumble), but frankly, the writing in this book was low-tier and needed like three more editing passes.

For my Pagebound friends who can’t see my Kindle highlights, here’s a quote dump:

I feel his hot breath inch close as he shutters

Am I sexually attracted to bees now? I probably need to make an appointment with my therapist as soon as possible. Except I don’t have a therapist. I’m a broke business owner. I don’t have therapy money. It’s just an expression I like to say. Oh well, I’ll just journal or some shit.

He feels like velvet covered in iron

I continue crawling toward her curls—the source of the overpowering scent that weakens my six knees

The endless darkness ends

If it weren’t for you and your friends’ jizz this place would be a bunch of dead twigs