I can’t believe it’s not lube!
I thought I'd slide in here with my first list. This is for substances not labeled specifically for sexual lubrication. Think butter, blood, coffee syrup, sewing machine oil. Desperate times! 🧈🍯🩸 I’ve included coconut oil mentions, even though that’s pretty standard lube. I’ve omitted spit. Recs welcome!
created by readalena
last updated May, 2026
Comments
Motor oil. Brake Me by Athena Bliss. You’re welcome 😂
MOTOR OIL??? I'm sorry that just screams bad idea 😭 although I'm compelled to ask if the motor oil is going in an ass or if there's some kind of car fucking happening
We won’t know until we get into the driver’s seat 😈
(bad joke, I’ll see myself out LOL)
😭😭
Brb gonna go read it and maybe regret it, will report back
I’m so scared to read it (like bro is literally banging his car) but also deeply intrigued. Thank you for being our sacrificial lamb 😂
Look ngl but the way this car is seducing bro out of his Honda Odyssey is doing things for me
Wait, this car is a saint. Seducing a man out of a mini van? 🥵
Yes!! If the rest of this continues as the first 15% has, this book is definitely going on my "okay but hear me out" list 😮💨
Okay I finished and wow the motor oil scene was something else 🥵🥵🥵🥵 honestly this book had no right to be as good as it is.
OMFG YOU READ IT SO FAST!
It was only 140 pages or so and work was slow 🫣 it was a quick read haha
Reading porn on company time, you’re my kinda person 🙂↕️😏
My primary job is remote and both parts of my job are dependent on incoming requests so if nobody needs me to do anything then I have time for porn 😁
Alien Goo -Dark Space Trilogy by Lisa Henry
Aloe Vera Gel -Uncle Zach by Bey Deckard
Anointing Oil -Priest by Sierra Simone
Banana -Ripe & Ready by Elliot Kyle
Blood -Psycho by Onley James -Leave Me Behind by K.M. Moronova -Claustrophilia by Ezra Blake (probably) -More than Blood by Brea Alepoú -Murder Twinks by Aiden E. Messer
Breast Milk -Henry the Hucow by R. Phoenix
Butter -Nailed by K.M. Neuhold -Fall on Your Knees by J.A. Rock -The Baker’s Forced Breading by Anna Wineheart
Coconut Oil -Head Above Water by CE Ricci
Conditioner -Kick at the Darkness by Keira Andrews
Crisco -Down My Chimney by Spencer Spears
Custard -Vanilla by Delilah Demoan
Leather oil -The Scottish Boy by Alex de Campi
Motor Oil -Brake Me by Athena Bliss -Grease & Grips by Elliot Kyle
Mud -Bound to Two Bears by Kelex
Olive oil -Demons Do it Better by Louisa Masters -Claustrophilia by Ezra Blake -Mad Man by Onley James -His Sex Therapist book 2 by Jamie Kassel -Boss Daddy’s Knots by Anna Wineheart -His Kind of Love by Kate Hawthorne -The Baker’s Forced Breading by Anna Wineheart -Never Will I Ever by CE Ricci
Pureed Penis (and fingers) -Murder Twinks by Aiden E. Messer
Sewing machine oil -Mad Man by Onley James (this is coconut oil in disguise)
tin of undefined cooking lube…er fat -Rainsquall by Penny Moss
Vanilla coffee syrup -Damaged by Onley James
The Baker's Forced Breading features the use of EVOO and butter as lube. something i wish i did not know.
I completly forgot about the buter as lube lmao 😂😂😂
Hello - may I suggest Leave Me Behind by K.M. Moronova for the MMC's use of her (non-menstrual) blood - tbf he was solo for this... Until it dried at least... So idk if it counts...
Thanks, definitely counts!
Every word of this comment was like a slap in the face 😭😭
I can't believe I just read that😭😭
The dried part was the worst to imagine 💀 ack
Ughh that is the worst part to imagine💀😭
mud as lube is the actual worst idea i’ve ever heard.
So gritty. Those areas don’t need exfoliation.
I'm just thinking of every crushed bug carcass that's laying in your average pile of mud 💀
no!!!!! 😭😭😭
wdym banana
Well first they get a banana, and then they peel it… and I don’t want to spoil it. The book was better than I expected! @The-InSean-erator delivered this masterpiece here.
all these comments and not a single person has mentioned sewing machine oil??? how is that something you have on hand but not lube? I'm almost intrigued enough to read it. Almost.
i fear i will take one for the team here. i have to know why sewing machine oil was grabbed over lube. they better be a sewing machine shifter
Now I really want a sewing machine shifter book 👀
my creative writing class rearing its head at the thought
I’d be first in line to read it 🧍♀️
you'd think we'd run out of unique sentences by now, and yet... (please tell me how it goes 👀)
@Maomi mentioned the sewing machine oil! One of the MC’s is a fashion designer, they were in his studio!Remember though, it’s coconut oil in disguise, which you should never use on a sewing machine!
oop, missed that! important life lessons here though, folks. no coconut oil on sewing machines ✍️
I’m sorry Crisco?!?? hang on honey, I can’t find the lube - lemme thumb some Crisco in there real quick
The crisco was used in a MM book. It’s not quite so strange in the queer world, or at least it wasn’t in the past, it had good durability for large insertables. I think commercial lube has come a long way and the compatibility of insertables varies now.
well damn - thank you for educating me on it ❤️
Uncle Zach by Bec Deckard: Aloe Vera Gel
You know, I bet 100% aloe vera is a decent lube. Off to ruin my search history!
It actually is, lol (and is in a lot of commercial lubes)
Why does the vanilla coffee syrup sound like the most uncomfortable one? Sticky and gross to touch... eugh
It definitely had some friction issues 😬
WHY DO SO MANY OF THESE USE OLIVE OIL WTF 😭 IS THERE SOME SORT OF "OLIVE OIL AS LUBE" HIVEMIND OF AUTHORS OUT THERE? 😭
I like to think that they are choosing the less evil kitchen option!
true, i dread to think of the fucking yeast infections if more of them used butter 😭 this list is diabolical LMAO
Omg that's literally what I just posted 😂
It was the puréed penis that really got me. 😭
Thank you so much for introducing me to this quest that I need to immediately scrub from my brain! 😂
RIGHT i could not believe my eyes when i saw that, i read this list on the BUS on the way home i fear i have deeply sinned LMAO 😭
Splutters laughing at the cardinal bus sin
Alternate title: Literally BEGGING for a yeast infection. This is unhinged in the best way.
shit sign me up i guess
omg this reminds me of a girl ive met that told me the craziest story about a roommate of hers who was stealing and finishing all her extra virgin olive oil - and he didnt even cook. turns out he did sex work
We love a resourceful entrepreneur.
Not the EVOO, not in this economy! 😩
i know right? thats criminal
Right?! Water based lube would legit be cheaper 😭
I laughed so hard at this, because, true.
what a . concerning list of items. (saves anyway)
I really hope it's blood as in menstrual blood... Pls let it be menstrual blood, pls pls
I haven't read Psycho by Onley James but given it's mm, I'm guessing not 🫢😏🤨
OH!
I read it, and it is definitely not 😏 the other Clausrophilia is also MM 🫣
Sorry to destroy your hope!
Just imagining the potential badge if this was made into a quest 🙂↕️🙂↕️
consider me intrigued
MUD!! FREAKING MUD!
'Extra virgin olive oil' was used in this one The Baker's Forced Breading by Anna Wineheart
And I forot the title of the banana book, I need to look it up
Found it: Ripe & Ready by Elliot Kyle
I think I need to drop everything I’m currently doing to read about a banana.
Glad you enjoyed it
I admit I was not prepared to take it serious, very pleasantly surprised!
Coffee syrup??? 😱 Blood??? What? I'm honestly more shocked by that than I'm by butter or oil options (except sewing machine oil bc wtf)
I fear this quest is giving me a vaginal infection just by looking at it. 😱
Custard
Vanilla by Delilah Demoan
waiting for this book:
Surely there are some gym bros out there DESPERATE for lube??
there must be. maybe sean has read one? maybe this will summon him. lol.
More Than Blood (Blood #1) by Brea Alepoú
they use blood 🩸🧛♂️
Motor Oil Grease & Grips by Elliot Kyle conditioner Kick at the Darkness by Keira Andrews Alien Goo From a living alien ship Dark Space trilogy by Lisa Henry Breast Milk Henry the HuCow by R. Phoenix Leather Oil from a stable's tack room The Scottish Boy by Alex de Campi
Thanks! Milk is such an under listed lube… I need to research my shelves!
